The BBC has been inundated by hundreds of complaints from an irate lazy, feckless, flatulent man after Top Gear presenter Richard 'Hamster' Hammond compared him to Mexicans. Gary Coogan, a 36 year old unemployed man from Croydon has demanded an ap...
Britain's most expensive Geordie, Andy Carroll has had his trademark ponytail stolen on his first day in Liverpool. The 23 year old from Byker Grove in Newcastle was surrounded by a gang of curly haired, moustached, shell suit wearing stereotypes...
Small people with brown skin were up in arms today as they were told they are not welcome in Middle Earth. Chief Hobbit Bilbo Baggins broke the news at a press conference in New Zealand where hundreds of hopefuls auditioned to spend time in the Sh...
I'm a Celebrity's Stacey Solomon has spent much of her spare time partaking in an orgy of vermilingua according to resident shit meddler Gillian McKeith. 'I've been analysing Stacey's turds' said the 65 year old Scot 'and the weird thing is that t...
Blackpool manager Ian Holloway sensationally exploded at a press conference earlier today covering several reporters and photographers in flying limbs and internal organs. The incident happened after one hack asked Holloway a series of questions s...
X Factor judge Cheryl Cole faced even more controversy today as she admitted that she's so bad at making decisions that she can spend up to 6 hours a day sat on the toilet while she decides which hand she should use to wipe her arse. 'I look at my...
Mega-wealthy Somali pirates are set to buy Manchester City from current owner Sheikh Mansoor. At an estimated cost of 500 million the pirate consortium lead by Captain Jamel Sparrow will take control of the club before the Manchester derby against...
Brazilian shouter Wagner will perform the classic Promise This by Cheryl Cole on next week's X Factor. Cole's smash hit which includes the unforgettable lyrics 'Promise' and 'This' along with some other words beat off stiff competition from Rhian...
After announcing record breaking ticket sales for their forthcoming tour, Take That have shocked fans by deciding to break up. 'We couldn't go on anymore' said Gary Barlow at a press conference today, 'we thought it would be like the old days. You...
The Government has announced plans to send all single women between the ages of 30 and 40 back to the planet Venus in an effort to restore peace and harmony in society. The move comes about after extensive research by the Office of Unprovoked Moan...
Passengers on a budget airline were shocked to discover that a flight they took from Spain to Luton was temporarily piloted by a chimpanzee. The 23 year old chimp called Trevor was spotted by passengers sitting in the cockpit wearing a pilot's hat...
Manchester United legend Eric Cantona has spoken about Wayne Rooney's decision to leave the Old Trafford club and has offered him some helpful advice as to his next move. 'If the tomato slips out of the cheese and tomato sandwich' said Cantona 'do...
A 12 year old boy from Romford who is deaf, dumb and blind came a disappointing last in the annual Essex under 18's ParaPinball Championship. Robert Dultry entered the competition hoping to emulate the achievements of the character from the rock o...
Octogenarian, Antipodean artist Rolf Harris has created a controversial title sequence for long-running US animation The Simpsons. The intro, which was shown in the US on Sunday, opens with the Didgeridoo loving Rolf slapping paint randomly on to...
X-Factor reject Gamu Nhengu is travelling to the San Jose mine in Chile in time to greet the 33 trapped miners as they are pulled to safety. Gamu will sing the Chilean National Anthem to each miner as they see daylight for the first time in over 6...
X-Factor judge Cheryl Cole and wannabe Cheryl Cole and notorious bully in the Malvern area, Cher Lloyd are set to go head to head in a live mud wrestling extravaganza to find out just who is the hardest bitch on prime time Saturday evening television...
George Michael today urged all of his fans to break the law and go to prison because it's a fantastic experience that should not be limited to a privileged few. 'It's a bit like a holiday' said George, 'although you won't get much of a suntan as y...
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