Take That Split

Funny story written by Bill Licks

Saturday, 30 October 2010


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image for Take That Split
Take That unveil their new image shortly before their split

After announcing record breaking ticket sales for their forthcoming tour, Take That have shocked fans by deciding to break up.

'We couldn't go on anymore' said Gary Barlow at a press conference today, 'we thought it would be like the old days. You know, all the boys together singing, dancing, drinking, chasing girls or chasing boys for the gay members of the band. '

'But it just wasn't the same anymore.'

'We've grown up. Started families. Got married to beautiful women or beautiful men for the gay members of the band.'

'For instance, only a couple of days ago Robbie said he was going to take some drugs.'

'The lads all said 'Aye aye, that's the spirit Robbie. Welcome back to the team. A few lines will put us in the party mood.'

'But Robbie says 'No sorry boys, I don't do charlie anymore. The drugs I'm taking are for the arthritis in my knee and for my OCD... and my depression and the ones that stop me thinking that everyone is really a lizard like alien disguised as a human being. Then there's the little blue pills I take to stop me going bald and help me get an erection so I can keep the missus happy. The green ones that stop me binge eating. The red ones to stop me pissing in the bed. The orange ones...' so I say 'Alright Robbie lad I think we've got the message now.'

'So we all sit in silence for an hour as Robbie's going through some silence therapy shit to help cleanse his soul or something.'

'Then Howard breaks wind and I joke 'I don't know about soul cleansing but you definitely need your arsehole cleansing Howard lad.'

'Then Robbie starts crying and rocking backwards and forwards with his head in his hands.'

'So his wife or care assistant as I like to call her starts having a go at us for upsetting him and then little Mark gets scared and wets himself and Jason starts barking like a dog.'

'Or maybe he was singing - I never could tell the difference.'

'So I thought to myself that it just wasn't worth the hassle anymore. I know the fans will be gutted and so will my bank manager but if I spend the next 6 months with this bunch I'll be going bloody crazy too.'

Take That fans are devastated that they won't be able to see their heroes perform together again. However, the most disappointed fan is singer Lulu who sang with the boys on their hit Relight My Fire.

'Have they split?' said the 90 year old Scottish singer. 'Have who split? Take That? Who are they? Relight my what? Who am I? Think I need to lie down for a bit now.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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