Written by Bill Licks

Sunday, 6 February 2011

image for Lazy, feckless, flatulent man outraged at Top Gear for being compared to Mexicans
Who's farted? You dirty Eenglish peegs.

The BBC has been inundated by hundreds of complaints from an irate lazy, feckless, flatulent man after Top Gear presenter Richard 'Hamster' Hammond compared him to Mexicans.

Gary Coogan, a 36 year old unemployed man from Croydon has demanded an apology from Hammond for the psychological damage and humiliation he has had to suffer as a result of the apparently harmless joke broadcast on the Top Gear show last week.

'I'm nothing like those bloody Mexicans' said Coogan 'Just because I sit on my arse all day doing fuck all and breaking wind a lot does not mean I am like every single Mexican man or woman that has ever lived.'

'I'm sure most of them work very hard and try not to break wind in public. I've not done a day's work in my life, claimed every single benefit the government has to offer and I can fart God Save The Queen after eating just one can of baked beans and downing a can of Irn Bru.'

'Show me one Mexican who can match those achievements!'

However, a neighbour of the unemployed bachelor claims Coogan has always resented the Mexicans ever since he was told that he could not become a professional Mexican by his careers advisor at school.

'When he was a lad' said Doris Bryden, aged 84 'he used to wear a sombrero and a poncho and ask everyone in the street if they knew where Clint Eastwood lived as he had a score to settle with him over some money that they had found in a cemetery.'

'He'd terrorise the other kids by running a Smarties racket and would regularly cut off their genitals or hang their little sisters from lamp posts if they were caught trying to sell other brands of confectionery in his neighbourhood.'

'Then he'd shout the word GOOOOAAAAAALLLLL for about 5 minutes whenever he scored a goal when he was having a kickabout with his compadres in the street, and by the time he'd finish the other boys would have been called in for their tea so the game was never finished. Although his team would always be declared the winner as he'd bribe the referee by agreeing not to kidnap his wife and removing her sexual organs if they lost.'

'When he found out that he couldn't make a living out of being a Mexican after he left school he became very depressed and as a protest he has never worked and refuses to eat Old El Paso Mexican food kits in an effort to ruin the economy of Mexico.'

Coogan denies that he has ever had any desire to be a Mexican. 'Has that stupid old woman been talking bollocks again?'

'Feelthy Gringo Puta, I sheet on her mother's grave' he added.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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