Written by Bill Licks

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

image for Cheryl Cole in 'I can't even choose which hand to wipe my arse with' confession
Another number 1 for Cheryl? Nope it's a number 2 this time and almost took a couple of layers of skin off. OUCH

X Factor judge Cheryl Cole faced even more controversy today as she admitted that she's so bad at making decisions that she can spend up to 6 hours a day sat on the toilet while she decides which hand she should use to wipe her arse.

'I look at my left hand.... then I look at my right hand... and I think they're both as talented as each other so I don't think it's fair to give one the opportunity to get to wipe when the other one can do it equally as well.'

'My left hand may be a bit erratic at times especially when it comes to pulling the dry crusty stuff off my arse hairs without too much tweakage but it tries it's hardest and that's all you can ask.'

'As for my right, it's almost too professional in its attitude when it can remove all traces of splatterage especially after a particularly fiery vindaloo without even tearing a hole in the toilet paper. But if the point of this exercise is to find a unique performer who doesn't wipe an arse like anyone else then maybe it just doesn't have the X Factor.'

'So on this occasion I refuse to choose Dermot, you cannae make me' she added.

Luckily Louis Walsh was on hand to cast the deciding vote.

'You're two of the most amazing hands I've ever seen and I love each of you equally' said the little Irish judge.

'This is an awful position to be in but the hand I'm going to send down to Cheryl's arse tonight is.....'


The decision was met by a chorus of boos from an angry studio audience and fans of Cheryl's right hand immediately flooded Twitter with posts about the whole performance being a fix.

'#Cheryltakesadump is a fucking fix' wrote SimonC00WL 'My left hand could wipe Cheryl's arse better than hers can.'

'Cheryl's right hand has always been the best' added DanielMingeogre 'Now we're going to have to put up with that talentless twat left hand for another week on #Cheryltakesadump.'

Bookmakers now have Cheryl's left hand at odds on favourite to be voted off next week where they expect it to face stiff competition in a possible wipe off with a roll of Andrex Shea Butter toilet paper and Wagner's tongue.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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