Dr. Billingsgate provides advice to a woman who fears that her husband has been “sniffing around.” Dear Dr. Billingsgate, I hope you don't think I'm being paranoid. But lately, I have been finding black hairballs around the White House. I'm…
BILLINGSGATE POST: Due to the critical acclaim the previous “Ask Dr. Billingsgate” feature received, including mention of a possible Pulitzer Prize, this feature will be continued in today’s edition of the BILLINGSGATE POST. Dear Dr. Billingsgate…
BILLINGSGATE POST: From time to time, the need for a forum to answer some of life’s intimate questions outweighs all other necessities. It also provides an opportunity for Dr. Billingsgate to utilize the profound knowledge and intellectual bonafide…
- To The Queen, Buckingham Palace - Dear Queen Mother - You have taken such good care of all your children, and have lots of time on your hands, presently - being semi-retired - so, please advise me. I feel you will be much better than those othe…
Got a gripe about a piece of well-known popular music? Geoff Agony, Doctor of Music, answers your questions. Dear Uncle Geoff, In Queen's overly cheerful 1979 classic "Don't Stop Me Now", Freddie Mercury confidently sings "I'm travelling at th…
Hello, Mr Ray Ving here again, tackling all of the important issues of the day. Can we trust Henry the Hoover? With his smiling face, upbeat colours and way of being helpful around the house, is he really all that he seems to be? I mean,…
Hello, Mavis Davidson here. You may remember me from my starring role in Alien, Aliens, Aliens 3, Aliens 4, Alien Ressurection (the one with Winona Ryder) and other cinematic delights. I had a starring role in Tremors 7, and you sometimes see me i…
Hello, fellow mystics! Tis I, the diabolical Geoff Medium with more of your problems. This week, we focus on problems of a sexual nature, because I'm told they get more views. Dear Geoff, I am a 46-year-old man, and I recently moved in with my pa…
Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE, I read your recent story about Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy, the chimpanzee Plastic Surgeon team who successfully altered the facial features of Mr. St. James Davis so that he now resembles a zombie. Needless to say, I was fascinated by your account. I have some questions about their procedures: 1. Why did Mr. Davis request that the operation take place during his son's bi...
Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Nag For Problem-Solving in a new Gallop Poll Dear Robert, I am a lesbian and my wife doesn't love me any more. I have tried everything to get back in her good books. I have even started doing DIY, and had my hair cropped, but she isn't impressed. She has got a new butch personal trainer and is spending a lot of time with her. What c...
Q. Whatever happened to hatpins and pocket pistols? In days past, pussy-pinchers could expect to be pinned to death or given a lethal dose of 'lead poisoning' for the act our President describes so cavalierly. How would we men feel about Nut Grabbing? - Den from Colorado A. Dear Den: Personally, I am opposed to Nut-Grabbing (I believe that it is meant to be hyphenated). Many st...
Dear Dr. Phil, I'm engaged to a fairly powerful and influential man, Ivan, who lives overseas. We've been in a difficult relationship for many years now. During that time, Ivan has made many speeches in which he calls for "death to monogamy" and claims it's his divine right to "bag as many babes" as possible. He frequently calls me the "great Satan" and says I should be exterminated along wi...
Tara: Auntie Jean, On the T.V. programmes; "Hotel Inspector" and "How Clean is Your House", I have often seen the presenters, AIexi Poliizei and Aggie McKensit remove feral pubic hairs from beds, showers and baths etc. with tweezers and put them into plastic bags. The sound on my T.V. does not work, so I have long presumed that presenters such as AIexi Poliizei are collectors of pubic hairs. Co-...
QUESTION Recently my wife attended a hen party on the Isle of Wight. After several drinks she began a game with another woman on the pub snooker table. She claims to have had a break of 155. Is this possible? Additionally she then went on to play darts and claims to have achieved a nine dart finish, whatever that was. Mr. Nick Swarzkopf ANSWER Hello Nick. Regarding the snooker, your wif...
Nellie Asks: Auntie, I have received my D.A.B. 3D digital radio from the internet which arrived on a low loader this morning. I would appreciate a little help with tuning it as the instructions are inadequately translated from Mandarin Chinese. It has what it describes as a 2.3 metre plasma screen. I had to cut a hole in my trailer park home to get it in. It keeps blowing the park substatio...
Les Brains Asks: Auntie Jean, I was dropped on my head by the midwife as a baby and consequently cannot make any decisions and have no moral fibre. I can't tell right from wrong , am dishonest and selfish and frequently accidentally wear my jacket inside out. I have an appointment with the Career Adviser at school tomorrow and would like to ask about a career. Which should I choose? Auntie Jea...
I. S. Wallow Asks: Dear Auntie Jean, I am sitting in my best clothes in wet mud in a torrential downpour in the garden. Normally despite being an otherwise intelligent human being, I ask my mother whether or not to come in out of the rain. My mother tells me I have no common sense. I have a horrific cough and what seems to be pneumonia. My mother is not speaking to me so will not tell me ei...
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