Astrology Solves Your Problems, with Geoff Medium

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Friday, 4 September 2020

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What impact will the unchanging heavens have on you today?

Hello, fellow mystics! Tis I, the diabolical Geoff Medium with more of your problems. This week, we focus on problems of a sexual nature, because I'm told they get more views.

Dear Geoff,
I am a 46-year-old man, and I recently moved in with my partner, a 42-year-old woman with a 20-year-old daughter. From the various adult videos I have watched on the internet, I am confused as to why the daughter is not trying to throw herself at me at every opportunity. Why is she not behaving like a nymphomaniac who likes older men?
Brian, Cancer

Geoff's answer:
For a Sagitarrius, keeping a rabbit can be a difficult prospect. Did you know that rabbits eat their own excrement to get all the nutrients out of it. You should do the same with your own emotional incontinence

Dear Geoff,
I am a 46-year-old man, and for the last year I have been seeing a therapist, revealing to her my innermost thoughts. What is the best way to ask her out on a date?
Cyrano, Taurus

Geoff's answer:
Librans often have problems with lip baldness. It isn't easy for them to cultivate a full moustache. I would recommend asking your local chemist for a moustache cream that matches your starsign.

Dear Geoff,
I am a 46-year-old woman, and I find myself attracted to toilets. Every time I see one, I just want to sit on it and grind away for hours on end. Is there something wrong with me?
Joan, Virgo

Geoff's answer:
People born under the sign of Aries like lavish funerals, so I understand your difficulties in meeting the cost. Why not try selling a kidney? I can recommend a good unregistered surgeon.

[Editor: There seems to have been yet another mixup with the letters and their replies this week. We'll try to make sure this doesn't happen again.]

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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