Sarah Palin - My Fake Diary

Monday, 1 July 2013

Well, I've been chewing tobacco, shooting guns, swigging from Big Gulps, and generally, telling all those limp-wristed liberals a thing or two at all the conventions I've been invited to. Sure, I do all this stuff while I'm speaking. Don't believe me? Well go to YouTube, it's all there.

They can say a lot of things about me, but they can't say that this old girl doesn't have some spunk. And an awfully good-looking trunk, too. No junk back there, none at all. It's as lean as a caribou shot after a two-year drought! Yes-sir-ree, even my Tea Party sisters envy me, and there's some real dolls and peaches amongst that crowd. Those really rich white guys know how to pick 'em, boy.

Since I've come full circle in my political career here in the United States, I'm considering running for the Head Honcho's Job over there across the Bering Strait - that little ole creek - and just hop on over to Mother Russia. I'm tired of being on the speaker circuit, being a conservative commentator on Fox News, shooting guns with NRA chums, and all that other hokey-fokey-diplio-doaky. It's time this old girl shook her booty over there in the Ukraine and all those other provinces that I can't remember and certainly can't spell. Yep, right there in the land of Bob Stalin (or was it Fred Stalin? Bubba Stalin? Hell's bells, who cares - he's long past dead, anyhow!)

If you want to see me again, just ask me to appear at your convention. My going rate is $100.000 per half-hour speech. I do have a warm heart for men with cold hands and beards, though. And guns. The bigger and badder the better, boys. Let's just say if you fit the bill, I can be had for a measly $77,000 for a twenty-minute gig. If I'm in my usual talkative and happy mood, I'll even stretch it out ta' 25 minutes for 'ya.