Ray Mears - My Fake Diary

Sunday, 30 March 2008

I lay down on the 'Queen-sized' bed or was it really a 'King-Size'? I fell asleep for I was really tired. However it did not last long because I was thinking of all the strange events and strange people I met.

Adrian Chiles (dead); Pilot Pat (Dead); Lord Lucan (dead); Osama Bin Laden (+ non virgin love-goat); Alan Shearer (jilting bastard) and now the Notorious Dr, nay ... Captain Maxwell. That was in just 60 days! Then Adrian Chiles came back and I awoke from my reverie sweating profusely.

I decided to take in some salt air and so I strolled on deck. I did notice there were lots of semen everywhere

"Look out!" the Captain screamed.

I thought he was calling for one of his hands. Alas it was too late because I had slipped in it.

"Don't worry!" Ed reassured me, "I'll have one of my hands clean it up."

I don't want to get fondled by an old vet I thought.

"Meet Master Bates, he's my right-hand man"

"Where are we and where are we going?" I asked...