Gordon Brown - My Fake Diary

Saturday, 28 February 2009

Dear Diary, Another difficult week for me. Getting tired of travelling to America to see that Obama bloke, every time he calls it's 'yes, sir, on the plane now, sir', never realised how annoying it is to be an American President's shoe shiner. And the lucky eejit actually has some power over there! I've turned into some sort of Richard and Judy Show agony uncle here, appearing on TV every day to 'reassure' the public about the latest government cockups. And putting on that slimy, grotesque smile, and talking like an English public school boy ... I'm seriously thinking of quitting.

As for that Etonian Cameron git, he's actually more popular than me! Diary, I tells you, when I'm a Scot with an English name and he's an English with a Scottish name it's maybe time to do the sensible thing, and all go and become MEPs, at least they run Britain. We just shout 'hear,hear!', and become more and more ridiculous every week.

If we actually told the truth it would be 'Mr Speaker, can I just say that Britain is now an American colony, and as such will do whatever America tells it to do? No wonder Scotland is heading for independence.' Oops, I'm Scottish, but they don't want me which is why I'm trying to sound English.

Yesterday, Diary, all my troubles seemed so far away. The media loved me - because my name wasn't Tony Blair - and how the country laughed at that insipid, grovelling ham actor, doing what America said, and how the media portayed me as a sensible tough Chancellor, with a firm grip on economics and reality. And now I'm the insipid, grovelling actor, doing whatever America says, while Alastair Darling is the Chancellor ...

I'm dreading the election, Diary, I know that I'm the worst Labour leader in history, and Blair was the worst one before me, lucky Cameron is so bad he's not even a Tory - it's our job to be Tories! And you know what? I met a certain James Maxton last week, on one of my rare visits to Scotchland, and he said the nicest thing to me since Barack Obama said 'Who are you?' He said 'Broon, it's the likes of you that destroyed socialism, you're a disgrace to the Labour movement and to Scotland', which was rather good of him, made me feel so - unelectable. Well, there's more to life than elections, which is why I got married two weeks before being elected Labour leader, just in case.

The Labour Party is now the Conservative Party, the Conservative Party is now the Liberal Party, and the Liberal Party is still a lot of harmless perverts to make up the numbers. Beginning to wish I was in Edinburgh and in the SNP, every day the Scottish Government gets more and more powerful, and every day I get more and more ridiculous. Oh well ...

Better sign off now, Diary, I have to go and shout 'Hear, hear!' a few times, and sign a £480 million grant for a Lanarkshire public toilet, all paid for by London. It doesn't get much better than this!