Gordon Brown - My Fake Diary

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Dear Diary, It's been a hard week. This endless putting on a fake posh accent is getting me down, I sound like some sort of child-molesting schoolteacher or something, wish I could stop speaking like this. What I'd give to shout 'shut yer f***ing mooth, Cameron, ya great big waffling streak of pish!' across the floor at the Commons, the way I used to, but orders are orders. If I get the sack at least I can get a part in a 'Carry On' film, I sound like a Scottish version of Kenneth Williams now - ooo, er, missus!

Since the day I became PM the UK has been sinking into a financial quicksand, hope nobody thinks it's my fault. Someone said I'm already the worst Prime Minister since Tony Blair - as if! That toffee-nosed, grovelling sycophant, with his snobby voice and nauseating way of talking insincerely. And appearing on TV whenever anything so much as a stolen bike is in the news, with his effete smile and BBC accent. No chance I'd ever be like that!

Went to see Barack Obama a few days ago in America, and he said to me something I'll never forget, something I can treasure in years to come. He said 'Who are you?', which is the most sincere thing anyone has said to me since I became Labour Leader. Except maybe for when Frank Field told me to 'Piss off, Brown, ya Scotch Tory git, away and boil yer big fat head!', which about sums up how much our MPs respect me.

Not been doing much since I got back from America, except spending hours practising my slimy reptilian grin in front of a mirror - if the 'Carry On' team don't want me, I could star in a horror film, 'The Night of the Slimy Brown Liar' sounds pretty good!

Met Mrs. Thatcher yesterday, and she said 'Mr Brown, so glad to see you've become a Conservative and the Labour Party are now all Tories, but there's just one problem with that.' 'What's that?', I asked her. 'You haven't a clue about running the economy or big businesses, especially banks. You'll be out of power within a year!' Not sure if she meant me or the Government, but she seemed to read my mind and said 'Both'.

Watched Obama on TV again. You know, Diary, he never ever says anything that means anything, he just mouths off dumb-sounding slogans and grins like a demented child on something, reminds me of someone. No, not me, I mean Blair!

And I'm a dynamic, powerful, strong leader that is firmly guiding Britain through these - yes, Sarah, I'll be down in a minute, just polishing my shoes - testing times of recession and - don't wanna wash my hands! - a shrinking economy. But with my heroic and inspirational leadership, we can all - OK! OK! I'm coming! - look to a future that this Government will - it's so unfair, I hate you! I hate you! - make a bright and prosperous one for this country. I'd like to see Blair make a speech like that! Wonder if it's baked beans on toast again tonight? Hope so ...