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Ridge Unveils New Home Safety Plan

WASHINGTON - Tom Ridge, Secretary of Homeland Security, unveiled a sweeping new plan for Americans to remain safe in their homes. Chief among the points in the plan is an inflatable biosuit that Ridge says can protect ordinary Americans in most situ...

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White House: Smoking Fights Terror

Funny story: White House: Smoking Fights Terror

WASHINGTON - The White House announced a new program today in the fight against terror: smoking. The government says that smoking can help to eliminate terror targets and drive terrorists from the US's borders.

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Greenspan: "You Are Getting Very Sleepy"

WASHINGTON - Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal Reserve, announced today he would take certain key steps to ensure the continued recovery and health of the economy. "Flimmity-flammity, bimmity-bammity," he told reporters, "dreezl...

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Ozzfest Ends in Mass Conversion

Funny story: Ozzfest Ends in Mass Conversion

PASADENA - It's been a tough year for the Prince of Darkness. Ozzy Osbourne, former lead singer for Black Sabbath, leader of his own band for decades, and more recently the star of an MTV reality show, has endured serious misfortunes. He suffer...

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Rumsfeld Prostate Cancer Scare

BETHESDA - Relieved White House officials said today that Donald Rumsfeld's prostate cancer scare was only that--a scare. "He's clean as a whistle," said Dr. Jeremy North at the Bethesda Medical Center, where Rumsfeld was rushed la...

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Statue of Liberty Head Kills 4

Funny story: Statue of Liberty Head Kills 4

NEW YORK - The government warned that attacks might be imminent inside the US this weekend, but the first attack came from an unlikely source just days before the 4th of July holiday--the head of the Statue of Liberty. The spiked head flew off of th...

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McDonald's Stock Collapses on News of Brando Death

Funny story: McDonald's Stock Collapses on News of Brando Death

SAN DIEGO - McDonald's officials are scrambling to reassure investors that the corporation's success in the past year is not threatened by the recent death of Marlon Brando. Skittish investors are clearly not buying into their arguments, dum...

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9-11 Commission: Iraq Invasion Was "Wardrobe Malfunction"

Funny story: 9-11 Commission: Iraq Invasion Was "Wardrobe Malfunction"

WASHINGTON - In its final report, the special commission investigating the 9-11 attacks concluded that the invasion of Iraq was not linked to 9-11, but was in fact a "wardrobe malfunction." The FCC has said that it is considering fines in...

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Bush: "To the Moon, Al Qaeda!"

Funny story: Bush: "To the Moon, Al Qaeda!"

WASHINGTON - The Bush administration, under increasing pressure, has stated intentions to begin building terror detention camps on the moon. The White House has requested funding for the program starting next year.

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Mars Rover Makes Startling Discovery

Funny story: Mars Rover Makes Startling Discovery

The Mars rover Opportunity, searching for signs of water that once may have flowed on Mars, has discovered something no one expected: Ben Affleck's career. It was found inside a stadium-sized crater that Opportunity has been exploring. NASA en...

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China Renames Itself

Funny story: China Renames Itself

BEIJING - The Revolutionary Council of the People's Republic of China announced today that, effective August 1, China's official name will become the "U.S. Cellular People's Republic." The announcement came only hours after the...

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Foghat Reunion Sparks Riot

Funny story: Foghat Reunion Sparks Riot

DETROIT - Seminal 1970's blues-rock band Foghat sparked a riot in the Motor City when they announced plans to start a limited, 7-city tour there in the fall. Band spokesman Peter Toth said that the members of the band all felt terrible about the...

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"Comical Ali" Denies Interim Government Exists

Funny story: "Comical Ali" Denies Interim Government Exists

CLEVELAND - Mohammed Saeed Sahaf, Iraq's foreign miniter under Saddam Hussein, held a press conference today in which he insisted that the Iraqi interim government does not exist. Sahaf enjoyed brief worldwide fame during the invasion of Iraq wh...

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Kennedy Shoots Neighbor, Reforms Tax Code

Funny story: Kennedy Shoots Neighbor, Reforms Tax Code

HYANNIS PORT, Ma. - Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Ma., shot a neighbor in the groin early Thursday morning, and reformed the US tax code. Both actions were apparently accidental. A Kennedy family spokesman said that the senator was in the family compound whe...

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International Space Station Controlled by "See-N-Say"

Funny story: International Space Station Controlled by "See-N-Say"

HOUSTON - Ground controllers for the International Space Station said today that, due to a failure of primary, secondary and tertiary control systems, the entire space station was now being controlled by a Mattel "See-N-Say" toy. The two c...

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Iraq: Saddam to Be Tried on "American Idol"

Funny story: Iraq: Saddam to Be Tried on "American Idol"

BAGHDAD - In a surprise move, the new Iraqi government announced that Saddam Hussein would be tried not in an Iraqi court, but on the hit television show, "American Idol." Prime Minister Aldullah Watya-Saya told reporters, "The idea i...

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Iraqi Interim Government Takes Control in First Full Day

BAGHDAD - After more than a year of American occupation, Iraq was ruled on Wednesday by an Iraqi interim government in its first full day. Prime Minister Aldullah Watya-saya said, "Today is a historic occasion. Today is the beginning of the ne...

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Nancy Reagan: "I'm In Love Again"

Funny story: Nancy Reagan: "I'm In Love Again"

LOS ANGELES - Only weeks after the death of her husband, former President Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan announced that she has found love again. The object of her affection is none other than 1980's TV star and bling-bling pioneer Mr. T. "He...

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Jabba the Trump

I find when I watch cable news in the morning, I much prefer watching Donald Trump talk with the volume off. Imagine an orange Jabba the Hutt as a talentless mime.
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