Written by Stone Riprock
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Saturday, 3 July 2004

image for Ozzfest Ends in Mass Conversion
"It's a Bat, It's Really a Bat"

PASADENA - It's been a tough year for the Prince of Darkness. Ozzy Osbourne, former lead singer for Black Sabbath, leader of his own band for decades, and more recently the star of an MTV reality show, has endured serious misfortunes. He suffers from an increasingly debilitating nervous disease. He tumbled off an all-terrain vehicle last year, landing in a hospital bed for months with a fractured back. His reality show reveals him as a henpecked husband ruled by his wife's unhousebroken dogs.

Last night was supposed to be the turning point. Recuperated at last, Osbourne appeared at the first stop in this year's "Blizzard of Ozz" concert tour. But things did not go according to plan. A stunt in which Osbourne was supposed to bite the head off a fake bat and spit costume blood went awry when the fake bat proved to be real and bit Osbourne on the face. It then swept around the concert hall, packed with thrash/doom/death metal fans, as Osbourne screamed, "My God, it's a bat, it's really a bat." This sparked a panic and stampede that caused 32 Satanists to convert to Christianity.

One of the fans, Pete Kroger of Sacramento, described the horror in the dimly-lit hall. "People were pushing, screaming, crying. It was horrible. This one guy with a giant grinning skull tattoo on his face was curled up on the ground, sobbing."

Police later found that the conversions were caused by dozens of fans fleeing into a janitor's closet, which they mistakenly thought was an exit. The janitor, Elbert Brinkley, is a pastor in his own Baptist church.

Police theorize that the real bat crawled into the cage containing the fake bat, mistaking it for a possible mate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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