A terrifying and ferocious assault on Robert Mugabe's toilet has led to an army officer being jailed in Zimbabwe. The country's leader is known to be a jealous man and he has never been one to share his loo.
One officer in the Zimbabwe military heard the call of nature and decided to pass his judgement on the state of the nation's democracy at the same time. Alois M'Shittu decided that the time was ripe for a thunderous bowel movement on behalf of Mugabe's political opposition.
During a trade fair at Bulawayo, the officer was on duty guarding the Zimbabwe toilet manufacturers' stall. With the choice between going behind some bushes and risking an attack from a wandering lion or sneaking into the Presidential privy, M'Shittu chose the latter. He was caught with his pants down. Now he faces a lifetime behind bars.
After his arrest forensic experts were called to the scene. In biohazard clothing they entered the toilet and collected a specimen. This was then presented as evidence in court and promptly wiped out the jury. Sentencing, Judge Mugabe said "An assault on the President's toilet is an assault on the President. You didn't even tell anyone to give it five minutes. You are a danger to society."
This is thought to be the first assassination attempt on Mugabe to be openly reported. Zimbabwe police are investigating to see if he was working alone or if he was part of a bigger group. Foreign involvement has also been suggested. The CIA previously hatched a plot against Brezhnev, involving Henry Kissenger, a jar of pickled gherkins and a Kremlin khazi.