Judge in Assault Trial Loses Plot... completely.

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Friday, 31 December 2010


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Neilson before Sentencing.

Australia: A QUEENSLAND man has described himself as "a bit of a monster" during his trial for assault outside a Melbourne strip club that left the victim critically injured.

Christopher Gibbon, 28, of Brisbane, appeared at Melbourne's Crown Court today for sentence to be read out. He had been charged with intentionally causing serious injury over an unprovoked attack outside Showgirls Bar 20 in King Street, Melbourne.

The victim, Anthony Kerr, 37, spent four days in an induced coma at The Alfred hospital following the assault about 6am (AEDT) on Tuesday Dec/09. His condition is still described as "serious". He was felled with a single blow and cracked his skull when he fell straight back hitting the kerb.

CCTV footage showed the victim prior to the assault smiling, his hands in his pockets as he waited with the accused for a tram outside the club. He simply said "Hi" to Gibbon and then was knocked unconscious with a vicious elbow strike to the temple. His attacker grinned down at him before walking away as if nothing had happened.

In the dock Gibbon looked confident and relaxed, smiling at his friends and relatives. He was of muscular build, unlike Kerr who was a sociology student at the time of the assault. Gibbon looked like he worked out at the gym on a regular basis, wearing a short-sleeved blue tunic to show off his tanned muscles and numerous tattoos:

"I realise I'm a bit of a monster at the moment, I understand that," he told Judge O'Houlihan. "My young girlfriend is sitting in our hotel room scared crapless, waiting patiently to hear."

"Oh, is she now? Began the judge sentencing in a soft Irish brogue. "I am deeply moved. A "bit of a monster" are we? Would that be your stupid mother talking... or is that you? A bit of a rascal is our Christopher, eh? Only, just a wee bit worse."

"Duh?" replied Gibbon.

"Well, "bit of a monster" I am sending you to five fucking years in jail, the maximum I can allow for this sort of madness, where you will be in the company of fellow "bits-of-monsters" every bit as heartless and fucked-up as yourself and even "a wee bit worse", where you get to sleep at night with a bar of soap up your arse and one eye open. And if you don't come out swinging a handbag and answering to the name of "Lola" I for one will be very disappointed indeed. If I had my way I would change the law to make this deed what it is in actual fact - a homicidal act because you did not give a blind monkey's fart Gibbon, after you hit this poor man, whether his brains spilled out at your feet, or he choked to death on his own tongue, or he was run over by a fucking tram! Am I right!!? But you "understand" you say. What spiritual depths our Christopher has, eh! Understand this you fuck-faced, looney tunes, mentally retarded, tit-sucking mammy's boy.... you almost ruined a young man's life and may well have damaged him beyond repair. He is some father's son! You fucking snake-eyed cretin! And somebody's brother! He deserves as much love and happiness as anybody else in this world, including you! As for your "young girlfriend"... "scared crapless" as you so politely put it, I am suggesting she be given psychiatric counselling... so that the rest of us may discover what the fuck she was doing with a psychotic, yellow-livered freaked-out dog like you in the first place! Somebody remove this animal from my sight. Court dismissed!"

Gibbon was led away crying. The judge may be reported for unprofessional conduct and may well lose his job.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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