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Funny satire stories about assault

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Funny story: Jussie Smollett Says All White People Attacked Him

Jussie Smollett Says All White People Attacked Him

Jussie Smollett, the black African-American actor who used to star in the Empire TV series, claims he has been the victim of a callous, vicious, and malicious race-motivated attack by every single white person on the planet, and he's deadly serious.

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Funny story: Alleged man allegedly arrested for alleged crime

Alleged man allegedly arrested for alleged crime

Richard Puttup-Yur Dukes, allegedly an All-Tuna, Pennsylvania, man was allegedly arrested for alleged cruelty to animals after he allegedly punched a police officer in the face. The officer was allegedly responding to a call concerning Dukes's all...

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Funny story: NASA forced to reconsider colonizing new planet after aliens report violent attacks

NASA forced to reconsider colonizing new planet after aliens report violent attacks

After restarting the NASA program that lay dormant under the Obama Administration, NASA had finally discovered a planet that was fit for human habitation. They needed volunteers to inhabit the discovered planet. As a condition for funding the project...

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Funny story: Bed allegedly commits assault

Bed allegedly commits assault

[PP] -- While a man slept Monday night, his bed allegedly assaulted him. After calling 911 about the incident, the man was admitted into Area Hospital for treatment. Doctors say he needed medical treatment for lacerations to his legs and rectum. He a...

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Funny story: Jesus Tasered After Walking Into Church

Jesus Tasered After Walking Into Church

33 year old two time zombie Jesus of Nazareth was tasered by an off duty policeman Sunday morning after he entered a Catholic church during mass. Witnesses from a home across the street from the church report seeing "some scroungy looking guy" ent...

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Funny story: Snowden: Israel Has Developed Locust Bombs

Snowden: Israel Has Developed Locust Bombs

Edward Snowden, who is out to become the modern Benedict Arnold stated today that U.S CIA officials know that Israel has developed a very small drone that carries considerable explosive power along with the ability of disrupting enemy communications.

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Funny story: Ex-police chief held in talking and salt case

Ex-police chief held in talking and salt case

A retired senior police officer from Gateshead has been arrested on suspicion of stalking, talking and salt. Former Chief Supt Ralph Condiment was held after a man and woman complained of being followed and subjected to a barrage of irrelevant tal...

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Funny story: Argument Between Fundamentalists and Jehovah's Witnesses Result to Very Large-Scale Assault

Argument Between Fundamentalists and Jehovah's Witnesses Result to Very Large-Scale Assault

DESPICABLE, ME (Acme Quicknews) -- The beautiful scenery of a public park was destroyed after an assault between Christian Fundamentalists and Jehovah's Witnesses last March 19, 2013. The said assault started when both groups hand out flyers and p...

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Funny story: Anti-Cult Organization Plans Bulldozer Assault on "Westboro Baptist Cult"

Anti-Cult Organization Plans Bulldozer Assault on "Westboro Baptist Cult"

Mein Kraft, an anti-cult-slash-construction workers' organization, plans to ram the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, labeled to many as a cult, with a squad of bulldozers and other heavy construction equipment. Tony "Harbinger" Toponi, spokespers...

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Funny story: New York moves to ban assault shakers

New York moves to ban assault shakers

New York, NY - The state of New York is moving to ban assault shakers, according to a spokesman from the governor's office, Mr. Harry Pepper. "We have no issue, now, with salt shakers. But who, in their right mind, needs an assault shaker?", Mr.

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Funny story: Rihanna Reveals The Real Reason She Chopped Off Her Hair

Rihanna Reveals The Real Reason She Chopped Off Her Hair

SANTA BARBARA, California - Rihanna had just finished performing before a less than sell-out crowd in the recently opened Earthquake 3.9 Arena in Santa Barbara. She was sitting backstage in her dressing room when she agreed to an interview with Af...

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Funny story: Assaults in Chicago are linked to a coma patient; unheard theories of a resident

Assaults in Chicago are linked to a coma patient; unheard theories of a resident

A series of assaults occurred in Chicago July 1st. 4 women have reported physical assault to their local police station. One woman named the attacker as Marko Dulce. She gave a written statement and matched the man's face with a police sketch. Up...

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Funny story: Walgreen's Hires Sexual Predator As Security Guard

Walgreen's Hires Sexual Predator As Security Guard

I was convinced that April would be better after the first 10 days went by without incident, internet not included. And then the most ridiculous thing possible happened. Here's the letter I had to send in addition to visiting the local police precinct. Some vital info needed prior to reading: the man below is 50 years old, was a security guard on duty, and was called "one of the nicest people aliv...

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Funny story: Well Intentioned Grandma Cleans Foreheads Of Passersby With Saliva Coated Thumb

Well Intentioned Grandma Cleans Foreheads Of Passersby With Saliva Coated Thumb

SPOKANE, WA-Ruth Briggsby, a 64-year-old grandmother of five and retired school teacher, was driving home from the pharmacy on the morning of Ash Wednesday, when she passed the new Catholic Church on 18th Avenue just as its congregation was leavi...

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Funny story: 'Pug-ugly' royal bridesmaid's uncle up on GBH charges

'Pug-ugly' royal bridesmaid's uncle up on GBH charges

London - Military Police are probing a serious assault on a humble squaddie by a Booze & Royals major whose gargoyle-faced niece was a bridesmaid in April's royal wedding. Major Nicholas Van Cutsem is accused of whipping a soldier so severely...

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Funny story: Man Attacked by Hamburger

Man Attacked by Hamburger

Atlanta - Keith Henderson, 22, of Peach Tree City was attacked earlier today by a Big Mac. Mr. Henderson was enjoying his regular meal at a local fast food joint when the sandwich he was about to eat jumped out of his hands and attacked him. Mr...

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Funny story: Judge in Assault Trial Loses Plot... completely.

Judge in Assault Trial Loses Plot... completely.

Australia: A QUEENSLAND man has described himself as "a bit of a monster" during his trial for assault outside a Melbourne strip club that left the victim critically injured. Christopher Gibbon, 28, of Brisbane, appeared at Melbourne's Crown Cour...

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