Torture at secret Baghdad jail - Church implicated

Funny story written by Mike Roberts

Wednesday, 28 April 2010


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"They used me as a human dartboard." claimed one former inmate

Pope Benedict XVI is once again having to fight off criticism after information was 'leaked' implicating the Church in prisoner torture at a secret Baghdad jail.

The jail, a former Catholic boarding school, had come under scrutiny by Human Rights Watch (HRW) after receiving complaints of abuse from former boys who studied at the school and claimed they had been abused and 'forcibly' converted to Christianity.

"Imagine our surprise." said Sallam Ali-kum the HRW spokesman, "We went to look at possible child abuse cases and instead uncovered a secret 'torture' centre under the command of the Iraqi intelligence service."

Even more amazing was the revelation that the 'torturers' were the same group of nuns who had originally been responsible for 'teaching' before the handover of the school to the Iraqi military.

"The nuns were unbelievably vicious and used techniques such as harsh beatings and high voltage electricity applied to 'sensitive' parts of the body. One inmate even reported that he had been attacked with a large crucifix in a 'most intimate' way, reminiscent of a scene from The Exorcist."

After the HRW report was made available on the Internet, the UN's special rapporteur on torture said that "If this report is true, the situation is "out of control" and could even be worse than it was under Saddam Hussein."

Pope Benedict said he wasn't prepared to comment publicly until the situation had been properly investigated. "We are sending a special envoy to Baghdad and I will make a full statement when he reports back."

The Pope's sincerity on this matter was later called into question however when Cardinal X, our Vatican 'mole', informed us that the envoy had been given secret instructions to 'use all means at his disposal to delay and hinder the investigation process'.

"I have no doubt that the Church's intention is to drag out the investigation for as long as possible and hope the whole affair has been forgotten about by the time the envoy returns to Rome."

The Pope was quick to deny any such instructions were given but, given previous stalling techniques used by the Church, and even by Ratsinger himself, when dealing with previous 'abuse' cases, the existence of such a plan would be a perfectly believable scenario.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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