Pope 'condom' memo - Spoof writers infiltrate Foreign Office

Funny story written by Mike Roberts

Sunday, 25 April 2010

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Spoof writers celebrate their success

Spoof writers are today celebrating their successful infiltration of the Foreign Office, culminating in the issuing of a grovelling apology by the UK's ambassador to the Vatican, Francis Campbell.

The apology resulted from a hilarious 'background document' being added to a memo inviting senior officials in Whitehall and Downing Street to attend a meeting to discuss themes for the papal visit.

The document, containing some hilarious suggestions for events to mark Pope Benedict XVI's visit to the UK later in the year, included;

'Papal visit to be marked by the issuing of 'Benedict' Condoms.'
'Pope to visit abortion clinic to meet ex-mothers.'
'Pope to bless gay marriage in church service.'

Foreign Secretary David Miliband is said to have been "appalled" by the writers' actions and many other senior politicians are believed to be 'hopping mad' over the embarrassment it has caused them.

The head of the spoof writers responded, saying, "We are of course very pleased with our success. The only downside is that it was just too easy. While we were able to get several items added to the memo, most of the 'ideas' came from members of the Foreign Office itself."

One of the newest spoof writers, Mike Roberts, was keen to point out that the plot wasn't only about having fun at the expense of the government.

"We also had a serious point to make and managed to include suggestions that Pope Benedict show some 'real' action on paedophile priests by sacking some of the bishops implicated in the scandal and by opening a helpline and counselling centre, paid for by the Vatican, for its victims."

Along with the 'spoof' events was a list of 'positive' personalities who could be made part of the celebrations.

Ex-Prime Minister Tony Blair headed the list, thanks to his sycophantic support of the church since his conversion to Catholicism, following hints by his boss Cherie that he 'could be sleeping on the sofa from now on' if he didn't.

Britain's Got Talent runner up Susan Boyle also made the list. The possibilities available by linking her to the 'Virgin Mary' were thought to be something which was simply too good to be missed out on.

Church leaders were quick to comment on the document. The Bishop of Nottingham, obviously worried that someone might pick up on suggestions that the Pope sack bishops, said, "I think it's appalling manners more than anything else.".

The junior civil servant responsible for distributing the document has been reassigned to Francis Campbell's office at the Vatican where he will be in daily contact with those his actions offended. "We couldn't think of a more sadistic punishment for him." said a foreign office spokesman. "He will certainly have time to reflect on his activities."

The spoof writers said they regretted that the young civil servant would be facing the consequences of their actions but said they would be compensating him with a year's supply of the beer of his choosing and would hold a party in his honour upon the completion of his assignment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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