The Pope is scheduled for a week visit to the UK in September, and in anticipation of the event the editorial staff at the Telephone Mirror published a list of suggested topics for the Pope to address. The topics were sent to press unfiltered as Bernie McFadden, the crusty Telephone Mirror senior editor, who was out with a case of the gout and junior staff had final say on what was published.
Friday afternoon at the World's End Pub in Chelsea the Telephone Mirror editorial staff and the odd reporter met to plan for the story and editorial on the upcoming Holly See visit. Several Guinness's, bitters, and black and tans later the staff had a list of bang on topics for the Sunday edition of the Telephone Mirror. And by Sunday the topics had been edited and stories written and staff giddy about the success they expected from the best Sunday edition ever.
Sunday morning arrived and the Religious section of the Telephone Mirror read, "Pope to sponsor Vatican approved condom line of products". Well as everyone knows, except the Telephone Mirror guys, this isn't going to happen since Catholic condoms are strictly hush hush and only available during confession.
Other uninformed topics in the newspapers' Sunday edition included the Papal Hot Line for Traffic Abuse, gay marriages okay on submarines, the Papal approved candy rosaries, Catholic contributions to Muslim charities, the minimum donation amount to skip Mass, and the Papal okay for nursing in public as long as holly cross necklace in view.
By Sunday afternoon the British Foreign Office for Official Apologies had issued a statement, "The Ministry condemns the statements by the Telephone Mirror as childish, lacking judgment, and stupid".
What the Telephone Mirror missed entirely is what the Pope will officially bless during his visit to Britain. The Vatican is implementing a new automated system for confessions with virtual priests, blessings, and forgiveness for sins. The virtual confession system is being installed by the Holly Roman Virtual Virtues Company and is expected to be on-line in early 2011.