President Hussein Obama, Jr., reacted strongly against calls to prosecute the 'Nigerian Bomber' until he 'got his Johnson Back', according to Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, himself no stranger to being called a 'dick less C**** by critics.
Umar Farouk Aldulmutalbb, the 23 year old Nigerian Virgin who tried to blow up a jet liner over Detroit, as if there city didn't already look like Berlin after the Russians sacked it, has claimed he no longer feels like a "soldier of Allah," but more like an "Eunuch for Al Qaeda!" after radical surgery during the bomb attempt which succeeded in only incinerating his dick.
Legal Representatives from the ACLU, after a closed door session with Attorney General Eric El Malmood Holder, whose firm represented Gitmo detainees pro bono, assured Umar and his legal team, now numbering 28, that his manhood would be restored, unless he wanted to become a transgender member of the Obama 'transition' team, and that he would be accorded full legal protection under the American Constitution, and physical protection from Nancy Grace.
According to the ACLU ,Umar will be appearing on the Larry King Show, The View, and Late Night With Letterman, although he will be chaperoned during the latter to protect his virginity, in order for 'the American Public to meet this young man and realize he was never a threat to US Security," according to Homeland Security Head, Janet Napolatano. "The System Works," she said smugly, reviewing Umar's scortched scrotum crime scene photos.
Medical staff at Walter Reid Hospital, responsible for treating 60% of America's returning war veterans, have been told to clear the hallways of Vets waiting for treatment, make an attempt to eradicate all rodents and vermin, and to clear surgery and the ICU in order to accommodate Umar.
At the current time all Emergency Medical Teams (EMTs) in the US, especially amongst the Urban Cities, and along the Mexican Border, have been alerted to be on the lookout for an accident ,shooting, or beheading victim that will no longer need his penis, in order to accommodate the Mission Statement of the President of the United States.
Meanwhile in Stockholm, Elin Woods said she would be more than willing to provide 'a suitable specimen' should Tiger violate his restraining order and try to 'dick around with my Lutefisk!"
