African dictators back new Obama climate plan

Funny story written by Helen Tarnation

Friday, 18 December 2009

image for African dictators back new Obama climate plan
Activists applaud Obama offer: 'This could also help solve Africa's population crisis'

After threatening to walk out of climate negotiations, African dictators are back on board after US President Barack Obama put a new offer on the table.

'The offer of $100 billion to help African nations address their urgent climate-related needs was not the right approach', Obama said. 'This is something of a relief for the US taxpayer, during these difficult times.'

Instead of cash, Obama offered hardware.

'We are offering this on a per capita basis', Obama said. 'For every 1,000 citizens of an African dictatorship, we will supply either two jet fighters, or one bomber. If the dictatorship borders on an ocean, we will supply two destroyers, or one aircraft carrier -- complete with aircraft -- for every one million citizens.'

'Of course,' he said, 'this requires a binding commitment from African dictatorships that they will not develop electricity, or allow private citizens to possess motor vehicles.'

Asked about standard battlefield weapons, from crew-served weapons to sidearms, and related ammunition, Obama said that would be decided in future negotiations.

'We'll definitely give these additional elements a hard look', Obama said. 'As part of our commitment to reducing carbon emissions, I can promise that we can offer these additional weapon systems at cost, or even at a discount. We can offset things because we're looking forward to receiving carbon credits for dead Africans.'

'After all', he added, 'weapons manufacturing employs a number of Americans. Beyond all doubt, this qualifies as an economic stimulus package.'

'In fact', said Obama, 'this deserves to be known as a 'shovel-ready project', if anything does. We could throw in the shovels for free. Maybe even some headstones for mass graves, if we supply the digging equipment.'

Dictators of land-locked African nations scorned Obama's offer.

'Obama offers a nice package for dictators with ocean-front properties', said one. 'But what if you don't have a beach-head? This is discriminatory. We want access to tanks and mobile heavy artillery.'

An Obama aide said that the administration would look into the matter.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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