Taliban Making Progress in Pakistan, Says Ann-ul Majahideen al-Coulter

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

image for Taliban Making Progress in Pakistan, Says Ann-ul Majahideen al-Coulter
Millions displaced, facing "Hell on Earth" in face of clashes between right-wing Taliban and Pakistani military.

MINGORA, PK - When General Musharaf ousted Pakistan's Prime Minister Sharif in 1999, he proceeded to "force liberal ideals down conservative Pakistani throats for nearly a decade," according to Ann-ul Majahideen al-Coulter, a controversial yet popular right-wing polemicist and bestselling author in Pakistan, the world's 6th most populated country.

All seven of her books have gone to the top of the Islamabad Times Bestseller list, including such instantly recognizable titles as High Crimes and Misdemeanors: The Case Against Pervez Musharaf, as well as If Infidels Had Any Brains, They'd Be Islamic, and The Godless Church of Westernism. Her most recent offering, How to Destroy Someone Who Embraces Progress, Which You Must, is scheduled for release this June.

While Musharaf was quite popular and is seen by many as someone who "took charge," stepping in to fire corrupt government officials and expand human rights in Pakistan while doubling the country's economic output, al-Coulter calls him a "menace," and a "puppet of the West," going so far as to blame Pakistan's current refugee problem on Musharaf's "particular brand of brainless Westernism."

Since right-wing militias began clashing with Pakistan's military, 2.4 million of the country's nearly 170 million citizens have registered as "displaced," many of them presently concentrated near Mingora. Al-Coulter refers to these refugees as "spineless cowards," indicating that "every chicken-hearted Pakistani owes a debt of gratitude to the founding fathers of the conservative Islamic movement, who gave their lives so you could even be here.

"That's okay, though," she added. "Tuck your tails and run, you Godless invertebrate worms."

Ann-ul Majahideen al-Coulter sees these events as an inevitable backlash. When the highly popular General Musharaf stepped down in August 2008 amidst impeachment charges, she says "it let the cork off conservative frustration bottled up after nine years of liberal Western freedom and expansion of human rights." This has reached a crescendo in events of late as Pakistan's "moral majority" frantically struggles to re-impose its ancient cultural values, displacing millions.

"We're for the preservation of tradition and traditional values," says al-Coulter, speaking on behalf of Pakistan's right wing. "Musharaf comes from a family of common civil servants, who were probably welfare recipients anyway, so he probably wouldn't know anything about that."

She says "Godless" Musharaf banned the teaching of traditional religious views as an alternative to what she calls "cultist scientific views," and that he has no respect for her and others' belief in her God's authority, or for religious values. "He [Musharaf] likes to call it 'Enlightened Moderation,' but that's just a buzzword for 'going the way of the infidel.' We've lived with these compromises for far too long. He was supposedly such a big shot in the military - he should understand that compromise is for the weak. It's not a way to get things done."

She also asserts that, while many claim Musharaf to have helped "liberate" women, in fact what he has done is merely make it legal for them to walk around practically naked with their wrists and ankles exposed, and fill their heads full of strange new liberal Western ideals like individual rights, equality of opportunity, freedom of speech and thought, even rights to own property. "And mark my words, it won't be long," says al-Coulter, "before the government steps in, making businesses turn down perfectly qualified men for jobs because they have to meet some stupid quota by hiring lesser qualified females."

Furthermore, says al-Coulter, the media in Pakistan are becoming increasingly "West-biased," giving a liberal spin to most stories while squelching conservative Islamic militias, muzzling their rights to free speech and assembly for nearly a decade. She noted that, under Musharaf, the government has gone so far as to declare "emergencies," shutting down TV, radio and print media to stop right-wing troublemakers from raising all-too-eager militias often operating under the name "Taliban."

With media outlets and the heathen liberal government of Pakistan in the hip pocket of the United States, who she often refers to as "The Devil" and "The Lead Infidel," al-Coulter says the Pakistani military can expect "a hell of a fight from forces on the side of right, set on defeating the forces of evil."

According to another source, a reporter asked Ann-ul Majahideen al-Coulter if she had considered the similarity between many ideals shared by uncompromising, hard-headed conservative Christians in America and unyielding, belligerent Islamic fundamentalists like herself who support the Taliban's efforts against Westward-leaning Pakistani's.

She is reported to have responded, "I'm melting! I'm melting!" as she slowly dissolved, leaving nothing more than a pointy hat in a caustic puddle on the floor, as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on her.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more