Written by bonzodog64

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

image for Britain's fleet of ice cream vans to be requisitioned by the M.O.D for service in Afghanistan and Iraq
"You wanna piece of Mr Whippy? Come and get it if your hard enough!"

British Forces deployed to Afghanistan in support of the UN authorised, NATO led International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) gave a rousing thumbs up to defence Secretary John Hutton's latest initiative.

The right Honourable John Hutton MP claimed, "The Americans have covertly operated "snack shacks" in combat theatres for several years. I felt it was time to offer this facility to our brave lads as well."

A critic at the civil service had the temerity to point out to the minister that the American "Stan vans" are armour plated and have a fifty calibre machine gun mounted on top. Any insurgent trying to get their hands on a "corndog" with French Fries or a free "Snicker" bar is in for one hell of a shock. Conversely, the British vans are largely composed of glass fibre and a 1970's Bedford Wheel base. The 1250cc engine and four-speed gear box offer little hope of withstanding an attack from a growing group of resourceful, determined and fanatically committed insurgents.

The offending flunky from the M.O.D was soon dispatched to the Verrocchio Ice cream emporium for driving lessons in anticipation of his new "roll" as a tricycle driver and static kiosk attendant in the British Army's "Mr Softy" regiment, an offshoot of the catering corps.

UK Defence Secretary John Hutton acknowledged that some fundamental changes need to be made if the Mr Whippy's" are to be deployed in combat. "We plan to repaint them in desert camouflage and replace the rear warning sign of, "Watch that child he may be deaf," with, "Watch that Helmand child, he may be wearing a suicide belt".

UK Special Forces are said to be currently enjoying a cornet from covertly deployed vans and static, camouflaged kiosks in Helmand province.

Brigadier William Greebs Streebling claimed that, "Moral has been lifted among SAS units, the men of 43 Commando and The third Parachute regiment at the prospect of a cornet, or ice lolly during a prolonged firelight."

Corporal Dick Jarhead claimed, "When we get "tombstoned" and the air is thick with incoming mortar rounds, RPGs and heavy gunfire, I like nothing more than a 99 flake with raspberry sauce as we cower under the concrete slabs. I feel right refreshed and ready to take the fight back to the bastards afterward. In addition to a Cornetto, you can get some ammo clips as well. If it's a busy day though with lots of "contacts" anticipated you need to place your orders for ice cream, confectionery and ammunition in advance to make sure they can meet demand".

Dick concluded by saying how happy it makes him to hear the familiar sound of the Mr Whippy as it rounds the corner during a pitched battle or ambush.

"The Taliban are fond of a lolly but won't touch anything if it's not Hallal. Some of the more enterprising vans plan to stock a comprehensive range of pornographic magazines and "lads mags" to enjoy during a lull in the fighting.

"We appreciate this initiative claimed Captain Humpington -Trumpington but what we really need is some decent armour and vehicles. I just don't see a full scale deployment of Mr Whippys being little more than a diversion from the real problem of being stuck in this shithole fighting a bunch of psychotic fucking lunatics prepared to strap explosives to their own women and children."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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