Accident and Emergency units across the Irish Republic have introduced 'Drunk Tanks' for the duration of the Xmas period in order to keep the Casualty section 'Piss head' free a for the duration.
Senior staff nurse Aine O'Really explains
"We have been forced to implement a screening process that we believe will save the HSE millions every year in both nurses time and wages. It's a simple procedure really, we have employed the services of the 'Fog on the Tyne' security company under the strict instructions that they supply us with the hardest bastard security men that money can buy and a contractual guarantee that the 'Gazza' version will never, ever be played during working hours.
"Our promise is that if you are in pain, if you have a sick child or an elderly parent who has taken a dramatic turn for the worst, and you do happen to end up in 'Casualty" at 4 in the morning, you have a cast iron promise that we will deal with you on a 'need to see basis 'minus the grape and the grain.'"
Senior Fianna Fail representatives have given their backing to the idea but have voiced concerns at the lack of provision of a VIP section.
Senior staff nurse O' Really remains unconcerned and has credited 2 FM's mid morning radio show host 'Gerry Ryan' for the radical yet simple idea.
"I'd just finished a 12 hour shift during which time I dealt with one heart attack victim, a stroke case, one newly diagnosed diabetic child and a woman that was so drunk she was unable to tell us her name as she shit herself on the examination table. I heard Gerrry mention the drunk tank in the fairy tale of New York and I just thought 'That's fuckin brilliant!
"I'd like to thank 'Irish shipping for the forty foots and 'Avonmore' for the electric fences.
"The pack of bastards we have to deal with in here is unreal"
From your local A+E.