Nihilists Join Non-Believers in Holiday Struggle

Funny story written by John Farley

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

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Christmas - Balls

Nihilists joined atheists, humanists and other non-religious groups in a campaign to wrest control of the holiday season from Christians and Jews. The United Nihilist Front (UNF) released a statement yesterday promising complete cooperation with non-believers in what many are calling an unprecedented secular whitewash.

"It is our sacred duty to call attention to the highly offensive and divisive attitudes that accompany the holiday season regarding non-believers. The media favor the religious and superstitious during a time that is meant for all. Where is the existential meaninglessness? Where is the denial of objective morality?" the UNF statement began.

The UNF called for stricter standards for holiday decorations including the removal of all angels, Nativity scenes and menorahs from front lawns and windows. Decorations should be limited to lights of two or three non-denominational colors, candy canes without stripes, and uncircumcised snowmen, the UNF said in the statement.

"We cannot have our children exposed to such gross expressions of faith," a UNF spokesperson said.

The UNF also demanded the censorship of songs mentioning Christmas or Jesus or celebrity Jews on public radio and television. The statement coincided with the UNF's release of their secular holiday CD, "Totally Meaningless Season."

The UNF statement comes on the heels of several highly publicized pro-anti-religious campaigns. Billboards have appeared across the country advocating atheism and questioning the existence of God.

Jim Tomy, a practicing Atheist, said that the campaign is particularly important now because this is the one time of the year that Christians acknowledge the existence of God. "We don't have any problems the rest of the year, but for some reason, every December, the religious come crawling out of the woodwork like cockroaches."

The atheist movement has come under fire for being too soft on religion, metaphysics and existence in general. Faithless-based extremists, like the Solipsists For Solidarity (SFS), argue that even atheists cannot be proved to exist.

"Really, how can you prove to me that you exist outside of my own perception?" Ron Jordan, head of the SFS, explained that the only thing we can be absolutely sure of is what we know in our minds. He ended the interview abruptly saying he couldn't be sure that he wasn't talking to himself.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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