In a surprise move, the United States declared war on Scotland today.
Speaking from Washington DC, Secretary of State, Condaleeza Rice, said: 'Today, at 11 hundred hours, the United States of America declared war on Scotland. A task force of troops is being assembled for the planned attack, and US Air Force jets are already flying towards Aberdeen, for the first wave of air strikes.'
Scotland has had repeated warnings from America about its lack of human rights - it has the fullest jails in Europe, it funds terrorism in Ireland, and its dictator, Gordon Brown, has milked his country to the point of bankruptcy. But speaking from Scotland's capital city, Edinburgh, rebel leader Alex Salmond said: 'We welcome being attacked and bombed and occupied by America, that will give us back the freedom we need, it won't lead to anarchy and civil war at all.'
Of course some have suggested that this new war is only happening due to Scotland's rich oil and gas supplies in the North Sea, and without those valuable assets the USA would do the same as it did in Rwanda and Zimbabwe - absolutely nothing. But President George W. Bush said this: 'The war on Scotland is a just one, for freedom and democracy, and we'll carpet-bomb those Scotties into agreeing with us.' And Pentagon chief, General Harry Mitchell, added: 'We're calling this Operation Oilrig, and have employed Manchester's Chief of Police to advise us on how to deal with an entire nation of violent, drunken, fearless maniacs.'
Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton said: 'Well, I kinda oppose this war on technical grounds, but I kinda support it on patriotic grounds, and I kinda don't know a thing about it.' And fellow Democrat, Barack Obama, said: 'It's not about human rights, it's not about oil, it's about race. And I have three words to say to you - no we can't.'
BP shares fell by 36 points at the news, but American arms manufacturers rose to a new high, as did those in American military hospital supplies.
United States and Scottish-born Revolutionary Navy commander, John Paul Jones, was unavailable for comment.