Queasy thief fingered by his own vomit

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

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Ahmed Habib Jailloom fled the scene on a kangaroo with £1,730 in cash and sixteen lottery tickets.

A budding Australian criminal who was so nervous during a hold-up that he was physically sick has been incriminated by his own disgusting pool of puke.

Police took DNA from the slimy pool of sick and matched it to Ahmed Habib Jailloom, 20.

A police officer involved in the case, Col I. Dunt Ralph, said being convicted by vomit was unusual but hardly unprecedented in Australia. "These days we use pubic hair, off-brand cigarette butts, gobs of spit, used condoms and semen splatters, bloody entrails, loose brain matter - anything and everything to place someone at a crime scene," he said.

Ahmed Habib Jailloom was found guilty of the aggravated robbery of Kangaroo Express post service in Adelaide, South Australia.

An Adelaide prosecutor told the court that Jailloom vomited "out of disgusting nancy-boy chickenshit fairy-arse nerves" during the raid on the KE office.

He fled the scene on a kangaroo with £1,730 in cash and sixteen lottery tickets.

Police conducted a reluctant forensic analysis of the vomit and matched it with Jailloom's DNA.

A witness also placed him at the scene, though not without laughing.

During evidence Jalloul said he did not know that many Adelaide locals, like KE postal customer Bruce laBruce, routinely carry 4 bore bolt-action elephant guns.

When the huge, hairy 45-year old Adelaide man brandished the firearm and demanded an bloody-goddamn-explanation, fledgling thief Jailloom froze in terror.

"Although you wanted to run screaming, you felt obliged to go through with the robbery," Judge Geoffrey Mucker said in remarks, before sentencing Jailloom to three and a half years.

The getaway kangaroo in the hold-up remains at large.

Tragic Rabbit, Tie Your Kangaroo Down Journal, Adelaide

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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