DATELINE - ATLANTA: In what may be unprecedented for this Christ-crazy region, Christian collegiate athletes have blamed Jesus for their humiliating defeat in a football game. After getting trounced by a team that "didn't even belong on the same field with us!" [the "Fighting Inbreds" of Arkansas State Remedial College], members of the previously top-ranked Georgia Tech "Flamin' Caucasians" blamed their 52-10 loss on Jesus.
"We thanked Jesus for winning lots of other games for us, so why shouldn't we blame Him for losing this one? Fair is fair. Fuck you, Jesus!" said Georgia quarterback Clem Whitetrash.
"Yeah." agreed offensive running back Mike Hunt, in a short sentence. "Every time I came close to gaining yards, that asshole Jesus made me fumble the ball."
Even MORE offensive running back Billy Bob Aryan said, "Where'd you learn how to play football, Jesus? In a Girl Scout camp? And you probably lost THERE, too. Go crawl back up on your Cross, you little queer faggot."
Defensive running nose Dan Pantload added, "Speaking of little queer faggots - yeah, I'm talkin to YOU, whoever's writing this!!! 'Even MORE offensive running back'? 'Defensive running nose'? Oooooh, that is just SOOOO funny. Such witty wordplay. [I'm being sarcastic here.] You think you're so smart, but if I get a hold of you I'll tear your fucking head off and make you eat it."
"Get back on topic, will you Dan?" admonished coach Knute Acne. "We're here to explain how much we hate Jesus for making us lose this game."
"Right, coach. Sorry." said a contrite Pantload. "Not only could a retarded monkey come up with better plays than that shithead Jesus gave us at all our huddles, but He made the referees rule against us every single time. He must have bet on the other team, is all I've got to say."
"That would explain a lot." nodded lineman Hugh G. Rection. "Like why Jesus also put all our best players on the injured list just before this game. And why He put me up against the biggest jungle bunny on Arkansas' line, Leroy "Bubba" Washington. Shit, that tarbaby's got arms about the size of my legs."
"'Arms'? Hell, Hugh, Washington's DICK is bigger than your leg." joked Coach Acne, provoking riotous laughter from the team at the expense of the now-seething Rection. "That probably explains why you're now injured out for the rest of the season. I guess we can thank Jesus for that, at least."
"Yeah." said Mike Hunt, who is obviously a man of few words.
"All that time I spent praying to Jesus for victory - it was a total waste." noted a grim Clem. "I might as well have been praying to Satan. In fact, I think I WILL from now on. Satan's got to be better at football than Jesus. What's that team that's named after him - the Arizona State SunDevils? And they've got one of the best records in college football."
"They sure do, Clem." said Coach Acne. "So that settles it. From now on we're a 100% Satanic team! Here, guys, take this chalk and draw a Pentagram on the locker room floor, and put a lit candle at each of its 5 points, and a goat carcass in the middle. Now all gather 'round as we pray for victory to our Dark Lord, the Prince of Evil, the Father of Lies."
It was, as we noted above, an unprecedented day in college football.