Lynwood Ca. Paris Hilton was released from the Century Regional Detention Center yesterday 20 days short of her 23 day sentence. Officials cited unspecified medical reasons for her early release.
The Spoof has sent in a crack investigative team to sniff out the truth behind Paris's early release.
It began when the jailers, not following procedure, neglected to do a full cavity search when Ms Hilton was processed in to the jail. According to the jail staff it is customary to have all prisoners bend and spread em, this step was neglected in Ms. Hilton's case.
"It all started innocent enough, said CRDC's infirmary nurse, when Ms Hilton was admitted there was a certain amount of expected excitement. Curiously, a day after she was admitted, an unusual amount of girls were asking for passes to the infirmary for vaginal discomfort. At first we thought it was some kind of yeast infection but we soon found out something was airborne affecting virtually every vagina in the facility".
Immediately the CDC, (Center for Disease Control), was called in to investigate this unusual infection. They brought in bloodhounds specifically trained in virus detection to sniff out the source of the scourge. When released the hounds made a B-line for the special needs unit and specifically Paris Hilton's cell door.
Sal Musgrave of the CDC said, "Once the origin of the infection was determined to be Ms Hilton's vagina it had to immediately be quarantined for the safety of all the prisoners in the penile system, if something like this isn't nipped in the bud the implications could be devastating."
After a meeting with jail officials it was determined that to keep Ms Hilton locked up in the facility could be detrimental to the entire prison system. Once something like this is let loose it's virtually impossible to check given the close proximity of prisoners and the cramped quarters involved.
The CDC is obviously concerned as to the depth of penetration Paris Hilton's vagina has made into the prison population as a whole. They do feel the infection was isolated to the CDRC facility and are checking any inmates that were in transit during Hilton's stay for possible infection. The CDC has further added the safety measure of isolating Paris Hilton, for 40 days to her home, after which time she'll be examined for further infection.
If you want the "truth" read The Spoof.
From the desk of
Buck E Filbert
6/7/07
