Women's Prison first to get Five Star Rating since Paris Hilton checked in!

Written by Robert W. Armijo

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

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Women's Prison First to Get Five Star Rating?

Lynwood, California - Prisoners and the warden all agree, prison conditions at the Century Regional Detention Facility for women in Lynwood, California, have improved greatly since Paris Hilton checked herself in a couple of days ago. It is rumored that Hilton is preparing the prison to pass the tough rigorous hotel industry standards applied to the world-renowned Hilton Hotel family business. She is hoping to earn a five star rating, the first ever for a prison.

"I can't wait to violate my probation to get back in," said recently paroled, Lisa Conway. "I heard that they are serving duck under glass again tonight. That always just meant instructions to me before. Now I know it's something delicious to eat, too."

Every morning Hilton wakes up before dawn walking the cold unheated concrete halls of the correctional facility inspecting each prison cell not only for any state prisoner rights violations, but stately livability and creature comfort as well.

Later, she walks the entire prison yard ensuring all hypodermic needles are proper disposed of, and the grounds keeper has properly trimmed the herbaceous border according to its corresponding height with the barbwire fence.

Making sure all weightlifting equipment is state of the art and finely polished before she conducts a white glove inspection of the kitchen, personally selecting the daily menu, sampling the meals served.

She has special ordered new soundproof drapes, pearl handle silverware prison shanks and 300-thread count bloodstain resistant bed sheets for every inmate, said a spokesperson for Martha Stewart's new Ex-Felon Ware Designs.

"Miss Hilton is a model prisoner," excitedly exclaimed the warden, Jennifer Fields, in a phone interview. "Literally a model prisoner because she has posed for several jailhouse tattoos already. She is that popular. I will be recommending an early release to the parole board immediately, of course. Or I'll makeup some medical excuse to get her out early. Well, at least as soon as we all get our mineral water pedicures and avocado facials done."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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