Moscow was rocked to its core when a 6.9 earthquake hit Russia's capitol city at 2:59 am.
The Kremlin reported that 37 portraits of President Vladimir Nikita Putin were knocked off the wall and landed on the imported Italian marble floor.
The Kremlin Voice stated that Putin was awakened by the tremor and he and two hookers, I mean nurses, Olga and Svetty, quickly got out of bed and went into the "Safe Room," which can withstand a category 5 hurricane, a category F-5 Fujita Scale tornado, or a direct hit from a meteorite.
It goes without saying that the experience caused Putin to crap himself, as he does so often these days.
Reports are that Putin's $900,000, 2023 red Lamborghini ended up on the roof of a nearby McDonalds, I mean Uncle Vanya, restaurant, instantly raising the property's value by 9,000,000%.
