Welcome to the Free Julian Assange Show!
We have a tote board to show how many donations we’ve received to free Julian, and it’s still at zero.
But even more exciting, we have famous world leaders on the phone, here to tell you what they’ve been doing instead of freeing Julian Assange.
Boris Johnson, hello, I hear a lot of noise in the background, is your radio or TV on?
“’Ello, gov’nor. We’re having another party! Woo-hoo! I’m doing coke off a Nicaraguan whore’s ass while she wears a mask!”
Lovely. So nothing is being done there. Let’s go now to Joe Biden. Joe, have you even given a second of thought to freeing Assange, or are you too scared ‘cuz he proved beyond a reasonable doubt that, yes, even America employs fascist methods when conducting illegal wars – just like it enjoys accusing its enemies of doing? (We all still remember George Bush and his WMDs in Iraq, which didn’t exist. Hilarious! All the lies that can fit into one coke fiend’s mouth!)
Hello, Joe, are you there?
“I stumbling and bumbling and keeping it real! Ukraine, bitches!”
Yes, Joe, we understand how other news items can make you forget about Assange. But he will still be transported to your country to be judged by a corrupt Supreme Court. [Long pause] Joe? Joe? We’ve lost Joe Biden, although I do hear snoring through the phone.
Donald Trump has phoned in. Hello, Mister Anus.
“I gave Assange a chance to tell me about Hilary Clinton’s mole and I’d give him a pardon, but he said I was a wanker and told me to fuck myself. But I am the greatest, better than Muhammad Ali and Babe Ruth, I can hit a baseball better than Melania – she says hello, Rudy Julian Assange is a great guy, a great lawyer, you really want him on your team –”
Donald – Donald! Shut up about yourself for one second, can you? If you were president, would you free Assange?
“It’s all about the deal and if Julian doesn’t want to deal with corrupt asshole presidents then what can I do, in 2024 I will lead America again into a wonderful future of low gas prices and invite Putin for beer and cheeseburgers at the White House, which was originally the color of shit –”
Click. I hung up.
And so, once again, the leaders of the democratic world have completely ignored Julian Assange. We could ask Europeans nations, but they’re busy with Ukraine and terrified that Putin will invade them, so essentially it’s business as usual, and nothing is getting done.
Free Julian Assange … it’s the best the little people of the world can do when the giants all have their heads of their own or each other’s assholes.
