Midwest, United States. After being told by numerous doctors and therapists that he should avoid caffeine and alcohol at all costs, Franklin K. Donner, a 62-year-old historical archivist who resides in Minneapolis, Minnesota, apologized last Tuesday for the incredibly destructive behavior that he engaged in the previous weekend.
Upon taking a sip of medium-roasted, "1800s Pioneer Blend," Folgers Coffee on Friday, May 17th at 10:30 in the morning, Mr. Donner became so incredibly intense and hyperactive, that he lost focus on his studies, walked out of his library office, and spent over 7 hours driving to a shady strip club on the outskirts of Dane County, Wisconsin.
With his academic projects and his schedule of museum tours completely forgotten, Frank conversed 'loosely' with several locals while using his teeth to place 5-dollar bills in between the gigantic, beautiful, perfectly-formed, luscious, massive, heavenly breasts of the insecure college girls who were dancing nude right in front of him.
As the night reached its darkest hour, the Ph.D. holder paid for a lap dance and deeply contemplated the things that were aggravating him the most in life, before spontaneously whipping a chair across the room in order to start an unholy brawl of epic proportions.
Behemoth-like, unearthly, demonic rage emanated from the unstoppable, spiritual essence of the analytical curator of knowledge as he pushed the bartender through a plate glass window before throwing a 'left hook' into the face of a random stranger who looked at him "the wrong way."
With bottles flying across the room and shattered glass decorating the floor, Mr. Donner permanently crippled six forklift drivers, two farmers, five administrative assistants, and four hotel desk clerks with his right elbow and various forms of high-kicking before he vigorously 'ass-fucked' three gorgeous blondes, laughed hideously, drove back home, took one sip of Natural Ice Beer, and passed out completely.
"My behavior was unacceptable," Frank told reporters.
"I'm not completely sure what I did, but I promise I'll never do it again," he added.