Man Endured Tortuous Khmer Wedding

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 1 April 2019

image for Man Endured Tortuous Khmer Wedding
The only wedding photo we have

It should have been a time for happiness and rejoicing on Saturday, but one man who was invited to a wedding enjoyed the whole tortuous, tedious torment so little, that he kept asking his wife:

"Are we nearly at the end of this caper?"

Moys Kenwood went to the wedding of two people who he did not know, but even if he had, he certainly wouldn't have recognised them, so heavily-laden in white powder and make-up were they.

The ceremony got off to an early 5:00am start, and, although everyone in the area was still asleep, the blaring loudspeaker music was the clarion call to the community to:

"Get out of bed!"

The Kenwoods arrived nearer to 10:00am, but this was still way too early, and another hour of their lives was frittered away, looking this way and that, at each other, the floor, the tarpaulin roof, and the thirty-or-so other guests who were also enduring impatience overload.

When things eventually got started, a lot of chanting ensued. Then, a man shouted into a microphone far too loud, for about fifteen minutes, which reminded Kenwood of the time he went to see The Damned at a Hull City Hall gig in 1979, after which, he couldn't hear properly for a week.

There was Khmer-style dancing, which involves twisting and turning the wrists and fingers in patterns, whilst dressed in garish, silky outfits, in an effort to recreate more traditional times.

By 2pm, Kenwood had had enough, and communicated this to his wife by huffing, puffing, tutting, sighing, rolling his eyes in their sockets, folding and unfolding his arms, crossing then uncrossing his legs, turning to look aimlessly around the room, and using his fingers to play 'Here's the church, here's the steeple'.

Shortly afterwards, a torrential downpour left the earth underfoot a veritable Glastonbury-style quagmire, and guests started to remove their footwear, and to walk about and dance barefoot in the mud.

Things had gone too far.

Eventually, the couple made good their escape after Mrs Kenwood told the bride, groom, and their families, that they had to leave because her husband needed to take a dump.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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