Written by joseph k winter

Tuesday, 4 December 2018

image for British publications high on their own intestinal gases blur the news
Research indicates those pursuing objective reporting are sometimes challenged within their work environment

It is a known but largely secret fact that many people enjoy sampling their own intestinal gases when in convenient circumstances.

Not surprising, this aspect of humanity has led to academic studies.

Professor Federico Schmellini, Harvard University, is a leading scholar in what is known as the in uno est tener mundi guadium studies (aka the JOG or “joy in one’s gases phenomenon”).

The Professor concludes, “These gases can produce a state of euphoria similar to a high from cannabis and similar substances.”

With, unfortunately, some difficulties attending.

Professor Schmellini has been concentrating on two British news publications, The Guardian and The Independent, which are closely aligned with another such publication The New York Times.

As to why these two British news sources tend to mirror conventional views in the American mainstream, the Professor indicates “gas assuagement” and “colonic highs” tend to reduce intellectual stability and “matters of judgment.”

Of course, getting the sillies while stoned is widely experienced and understood across wide swaths of the globe’s population.

However, it is somewhat surprising that the JOG high is having so much success—especially in the news business.

Above all, news is supposed to be stone cold sober, tight, factual, to the evidence, and right on.

Hence to some problems with The Guardian recently, for example, in reporting a non-existent connection between criminally charged Paul Manafort and Julian Assange.

This report extended to stating as factual that Russian intelligence had supplied Assange with the notorious Hillary Clinton leaks during the 2016 presidential election.

The Independent has followed in this line of hallucinating.

(Whether a newly introduced line of imported sausages into the UK (from Crimea) bears some responsibility here is another aspect of Dr. Schmellini’s studies).

Both these newspapers, following The New York Times, repeatedly refer to "Russian collusion" as fact, but provide no documentary evidence.

Today from The Independent:

“. . . US intelligence agencies and Mr. Mueller’s team have made the case that the documents were stolen by Russian agents, 12 of whom were charged by Mr. Mueller.”

Twelve Russian agents have been charged. None have been brought to trial, examined, convicted. The case has not been made.

Accusations and proof are as alike as door-mouse and zebra.

Instead, an excitatory leap has occurred, as with The Guardian’s persistently talking about “Russian interference” instead of alleged Russian interference.

However, Dr. Schmellini did have a recommendation.

All those attempting to bring forward reliable news may be interested in the aid and support from a new organization called FART.

Instituted to honor the best news reporting and guidance, the acronym stands for From Aroma Relief to Truth .

This new program provides guidance on what can be done for saner and more balanced inhaling and pleasure.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





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