With NASA's recent success of landing a spacecraft on Mars, administrator Jonathan Briggs felt it was time to confess that NASA had also tried to send a man to the planet Jupiter.
Mike Burlington, a science teacher at Bridgeway Elementary School in Iowa, was contacted by NASA 15 years ago and given a special mission. Without being told where he was going, Mr. Burlington was put through a very rigorous program at a NASA training center in Washington D.C.
"We just told him that he would never have to work for a living if he did this for us," Mr. Briggs confessed. "We also promised him that he would receive a pension."
Mr. Burlington, father of 2 at the time, was asked to enter a 'specially-designed' shuttle with coordinates set for the planet Jupiter in February of 2003. Because Jupiter is a massive, gaseous planet full of hurricanes and chaos, Mike's shuttle was torn into shreds upon approach.
"Comparing Earth to Jupiter is kind of like comparing a basketball to a grain of sand," Mr. Briggs explained. "And because both Earth and Jupiter are on an elliptical path around the Sun with constantly changing distances, our coordinates may have been wrong."
"If he wasn't completely vaporized upon approach, then I'm pretty sure his oxygen-drained, lifeless body is floating around in outer-space like a hopeless turd," he added.
When Mrs. Burlington was approached by reporters and asked if she was still grieving for her late husband, she replied she was doing 'just fine.'
"I figured that Mike was going to die when they put him in the shuttle, so I just went out and found a boyfriend," she stated. "I've collected on Mike's life insurance policy since then, and my boyfriend has a really big penis, so I'm happy," she concluded.