Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

image for Piers Morgan Isn't Very Nice
"Look out!" she whispered

Piers Morgan, the host of TV's 'Good Morning Britain' show, has been widely-criticised for his own rather critical comments about Daniel Craig carrying his daughter in a 'papoose', but, in fairness, he has his reasons.

Morgan, a complete twat, called into question the James Bond star's masculinity over the papoose, but the cause of his disquiet is that he, himself, would have loved to have been carried in a papoose.

Instead, however, Morgan's mother refused to carry him at all, so ugly was he, and such a crybaby. When he was a mere infant, she put him in a pram, but people peering in to see the bonny baby recoiled in horror so often, she tried to avoid him as much as possible.

Once, when he wouldn't shut the fuck up - which he rarely does even now - his mother dropkicked him over a hedge, something from which he seems never to have recovered, if his on-screen smiling, smirking manner, penchant for humiliation and degradation, his quest to belittle, and his smarmy condescending manner, are anything to go by.

The idea, then, that he might have been hugged, cuddled and smothered in love and kisses by an adoring mum or dad, is one that he has never been able to conceptualize, so loathsome was he as a child.

Smothered, yes; love and kisses, no.

At school, he was hated by his fellow students. The teachers didn't like him much either. Nor did the school caretakers, who called him "a smarmy bastard". Even the lollipop lady outside the school resented helping him across the road. Gladys Taylor, 98, remembers him well:

"I always wished he'd cross somewhere else apart from the crossing and get knocked down by a car. Or a bus. Or a steamroller."

Of course, anyone who knows Morgan well, will know he has his good points. Amongst them,

(Turn to page 1008)


Source: a man on a bus I was on

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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