Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 11 August 2018


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Danny Briggs, 28, was suffering a major 'bout' of severe depression last week and simply felt that he did not have the inner strength to go on. The sadness in his life was incredibly overwhelming, and the heart-piercing loneliness that he felt inside had completely drained his will to live. During his darkest moment of isolation and pain, he suddenly received an email message that gave him hope.

The message said that his Guardian Angel was watching over him and had seen his struggles. It further promised that the horrible depression he was experiencing would soon be over, and that it would be replaced by love, happiness, warmth, and affection. 'Someone special' would soon be a part of his life, and blessings were on the way...but only if he forwarded the message to at least 10 people.

Unfortunately, in his 28 years of living, Danny had only met 9 people. Despite this set-back, however, he eagerly sent the message to all of them in his sincerest effort to bring joy into his own life as well as the lives of others.

After he sent the message, his Guardian Angel suddenly stopped watching over him...

All 9 of the people who received the message were struck by lightning, and their heads exploded.

Immediately after that, a woman that he was sincerely attracted to fell in love with a complete asshole. They both won the lottery the next day, lost total control of themselves, and made wild, naughty, passionate love to each other like a couple of animals.

Later that night, a group of demonically-possessed leprechauns with penises on their foreheads marched into Danny's room, tied him to a chair, and made him watch a 4-hour-long documentary about the growth process of deformed carrots while "force-feeding" him cauliflower that had expired and turned brown.

When the documentary was finished and Danny thought he could no longer endure any more punishment, they untied him, and demanded that he play complicated board games he couldn't understand, and that he found to be extremely boring.

After that, they slapped him around for a while, told him that his hair-cut looked stupid, and then threw him on the floor so that they could take turns pooping on his face.

Before the night was over, the demonically-possessed leprechauns took Danny out into the forest, pushed him over a giant log, and shoved a broken tree branch up his ass.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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