Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 9 August 2018

image for Man Cut Finger On Door Latch, And Almost Bled To Death
Deserted - the bogs

A teacher in a hurry to urinate was left ruing his decision to stop and lock a toilet door today, after he cut his finger on the metal latch, and almost bled to death.

Moys Kenwood, 55, was, aside from two receptionists who were working at the front desk, completely alone in the school, yet, when he stepped inside the toilet cubicle, he felt compelled to lock the door behind him.

As his bladder was about to burst, speed was of the essence, and he rather carelessly tried to move the latch across without looking, and trapped, and 'nipped', the side of his index finger between the part of the latch that is fixed to the door, and the small, sliding bolt.

There was a slight delay as blood 'rushed to the scene'. Then, it emerged red-as-you-like from the nick, slowly at first, then seeping, pouring, gushing and drenching. It looked like a scene from a horror film. Meanwhile, he pissed left-handed, waywardly. The floor was awash with blood. And piss.

Rapidly losing consciousness, he staggered towards the stairwell, and down the stairs. After managing to push the door open, he reached the front desk area where the receptionists were sitting. One of them turned and saw the bloody finger. She recoiled in terror, and said:

"Oh, look, the teacher's had an accident. Would you like me to put a plaster on that for you, dear?"

Kenwood accepted the lifesaving medical assistance with gratitude, and was later able to resume his duties without further loss of blood.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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