Chivalry Not Quite Dead Yet, New Study Finds

Funny story written by Samantha Irene

Sunday, 22 January 2017

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Chivalry: only as stupid as a woman appearing out of a lake to crown a new leader.

NEW YORK, NY - Despite previous claims that chivalry had died, new research suggests that, though in critical condition, it is, in fact, still alive.

Originally a set of principles for medieval knights, chivalry had, in more recent centuries leading up to its disappearance, become a wide-spread practice used to placate women and keep them from attempting to gain any real political or social liberation. Most often it is a practice invoked with surprise, usually in the form of a, "Well I guess chivalry isn't dead after all," when a young man does anything remotely decent.

"It's quite an exciting find," said head researcher Janet Epstein. "We had originally assumed chivalry to be largely extinct, due to the usual surprise whenever an attempt at chivalry has been made in the past, so this new information is a real game-changer."

Though not entirely eliminated, the research team says that chivalry is in danger of disappearing, and they are in the midst of developing steps to preserve it. However, some fringe groups actively advocate for the death of the practice, believing the human race would be better off without it.

Denise, 27 and the head of the group Dames Against Door Holding, says she thinks once chivalry has been killed off, women might actually be treated as people.

"I mean it's just a theory, but the scientific backing is growing every day," she said. "Personally, I convinced my boyfriend to give up chivalry last year, which has brought real equality to our relationship. Now he just lets doors slam in my face, and I don't ever feel like he's trying to force me onto a pedestal. I hope with Dames Against Door Holding, we can help everyone give up chivalry for good."

Until the practice breathes its last breath, though, women can be sure that men will continue to use it as an excuse to claim they're "nice guys" while secretly being misogynistic dickbags.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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