NEW YORK, N.Y. - Although it's a hidden fact, the basement of Trump Tower in New York City is reserved for Donald Trump's pet rhinoceros, Tiny, who told this The Spoof writer of emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse he has suffered at the hands of his master, Donald Trump.
"The Trumpensteinian Kleptogarch, Donald Trump, keeps me around as his own whipping boy," the full-grown black rhino told me, speaking in perfect English.
"Whenever he has a bad day at the office, he just waltzes right in here, grabs that bullwhip over in the corner over yonder, and he flogs me with that thing."
"So Klownstick Von Fuckface is nothing more than a serial sadist, huh?" I asked Tiny.
"Sure as God made little green apples. And boy, would I love to munch on a few of those little delights now," Tiny said.
"How's about some birdseed?" I asked. Tiny shook his head affirmatively. His long tusk waving up and down like a sapling caught in a tornado. I always carry around a little birdseed for the hungry sea gulls and pigeons I run across in my sojourns.
"Sometimes he dresses me up like one of the Rockettes. And I don't know if you'd actually consider this sexual abuse, but it has to at least border on this type of sexual insanity," Tiny said.
Now Tiny is far from being Tiny. A true sadist, The Gropenfuhrer named this black rhino such a ridiculous name only to bring shame on the large, hoofed beast, who is a close cousin to the razorback boar hog. Tiny is about the size of a Hummer or a Silverado. The horn on his snout is long and nasty enough to totally impale one of these rugged vehicles, too.
"Hey, how's about more of that birdseed?" Tiny asked. I reached in my coat pocket, grabbed a handful and held it right under the beast's watery snout. He gobbled it down like he hadn't eaten in years.
"I live in fear," Tiny said. "I'd just like to go back to where I came from, some lovely pasture in Africa. Trump's two oldest sons, big game hunters, kidnapped me from a beautiful meadow when I was but a baby. They maced me, tasered me, injected me with some sleepy time drug, and brought me over here to the United States of Whatever.
"Now I am confined to a banal and cruel existence in the bottom of Trump Tower. Did you know that Donald Trump's friends Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani are stopping by later today and they're going to ride me around Central Park? What a thing to look forward to," a whimpering Tiny said with a tear streaming down his face.