UPDATE PRINT THROUGH
Al Gore was found with his lips frozen to Obama’s anatomy late last night on a golf course in the Midwest, police report. The pair is expected to recover as soon as Global Warming hits. In the meantime they are headed to warm and sunny Guantánamo Bay to thaw out, according to our source in the Justice Department.
Washington DC - Al gore today announced that his team of scientists has discovered that we are almost at a point in time when the Earth could, in fact, eclipse the Sun, resulting in hours of darkness. Unlike the recent harmless eclipse of the Sun by the Moon, the threat to the earth is that it could extinguish the light from the Sun for many hours resulting in extended darkness. He expects this to lead to increased use of fossil fuels which will release carbon dioxide, which will make the plants grow faster, feeding more people, and then causing the population to increase to deplorable levels.
According to Al Gore, there is a bright side to this. It will be safe to stare directly at the Sun during the height of the eclipse, which is scheduled to occur at 12 o'clock midnight at most points on the Earth, with the exception of areas in the Arctic Circle, North Pole. In this northern polar zone, it is being advised to use opaque lenses to view the eclipse.
Gore is warning of extreme climate change due to this eclipse. In some areas, he expects a sudden drop in temperature by as much as 40°. To remedy the situation, he is advising the UN to collect a tax from all countries to pay for all of this.