Written by Gee Pee

Saturday, 31 January 2015


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image for Al Gore: a man of his times for all time
"Do I LOOK like a loser?" -- Al Gore

Al Gore, who is affectionately known as Igor, serviced President Bill Clinton from 1993-2001, sometimes alongside White House interim Monica ("The Mouth") Lewinsky or First Lady Hillary Rodham. Prior to servicing Clinton, Gore invented the Internet; since leaving his position as Vice-President , Gore invented not only Global Warming but Climate Change, earning millions of dollars from the patents on these creations.

To dodge taxes, Gore also invented numerous non-profit organizations, including Alliance for Climate Change Protection, which is dedicated to denigrating scientists and politicians who seek to denigrate either Global Warming or Climate Change.

For his relentless efforts in saving the planet, Gore was awarded the Ignoble Piece Prize and has pocketed profits equivalent to the gross national profits of all third-world banana republics combined, excluding California. He is also the recipient of the Webby Award for his invention of the Internet.

Gore ran for the presidency in 2000, but was defeated by Global Warming and Climate Change skeptic George W. Bush. Nevertheless, Gore has succeeded in living off the public dole for 24 years, first as a Congressman from Tennessee and a state senator, and then as Clinton's right-hand man, whenever Lewinsky, Hillary, or another of the president's many "helpmates" were unavailable to "assist" Clinton in his study of self-pollution and its effects on the environment.

Today, in his spare time, Gore serves on various boards of directors, helping businesses avoid taxes by operating as "non-profit organizations," or teaches Machiavellian Tactics as a visiting professor of political science at four, five, or "as many universities as I can fit into my pocket," including Davy Crockett University, Columbus School of Racism Toward Indigenous Americans, and the all-women's Frisky University.

Gore was born in Washington, DC, a fact which explains a lot, critics claim, occasioning his quip, "I come by politics honestly enough: I was born into it!"

However, critics blame Gore on Scots-Irish immigrants who settled in Virginia before moving to Tennessee to avoid military service during the Revolutionary War. "If they'd stayed in Europe, we wouldn't have had to put up with him and his clan," Tennessean Mary Elizabeth ("Tippler") Aitcheson whines.

As a "youngun," before he developed a concern with the environment, Gore helped plant and harvest tobacco on the family farm in Carthage, thereby contributing to emphysema, lung cancer, and a variety of other smoking-related diseases, not to mention environmental pollution.

Although he graduated 25th in a class of 51 from St. Alban's Boy's School, he applied to only one college, Harvard University, and was accepted, due, many contend, to his father's "philanthropic" contributions to the school. There, he met his wife, by whom he contributed four times to the replenishing of the earth by siring three daughters and a son, whom, narcissist that he is, he named Albert Gore III (as if the planet needed yet another Al Gore!).

Initially, hoping to write erotic novels, Gore majored in English, but later decided that living off the public dole would be even easier than writing about sex, despite his considerable experience in the "art."

Despite his nascent interest in Global Warming and Climate Change, he was a poor student in both math and science, ranking in the lower fifth of his class. However, he did manage to room with Tommy Lee Jones and became "proficient," classmates and professors recall, in watching television, shooting pool, and smoking marijuana (although not necessarily with Jones).

Finally, in his senior year, he warmed to the subject of Climate Change under the tutelage of Roger Revelle, a Global Warming theorist. Gore earned an "A" on his dissertation, The Impact of Television on the Conduct of the Planet and managed to graduate, sub-cum laude.

To help his father's campaign for reelection to the Tennessee state senate, Gore joined the U. S. Army so his father's Republican rival couldn't claim that Gore had received special treatment in being deferred after graduating from college. (His father lost the election, anyway, but, ironically, Gore himself gained a new career opportunity as a human target during the Vietnam War, a military action against which had protested only a few years before his enlistment.)

After "undistinguished service" as a combat soldier, during which, Gore claims, he enjoyed seeing many "atrocities," he tried his hand at yellow journalism for a period before enrolling as a law student, hoping "to make the world a better place, a place fit for me."

However, he found legal work even more tedious and exacting than soldiering or reporting, and he soon returned to the public trough, living off the public dole for sixteen years, from 1977 through 1993, when Tennesseans finally decided they'd had all of him they could take.

Gore then set his sights on his birthplace, seeking a seat in the U. S. House of Degenerates. Over the years, he changed his position on abortion and homosexuality. Originally, he had claimed to believe that states should not fund abortions and that homosexuality was "wrong," but he later favored baby killing and supported the rights of same-sex sex, "as long as I don't have to watch it."

He also underwent a series of plastic surgical procedures, some say to transform himself into a woman, others so that he could "more closely resemble a cross between Steve Reeves and Frankenstein's monster." According to the Clintons, he accomplished both goals.

In 1992, Gore became Clinton's mate and, after winning the election, he and the president developed a "two-page agreement outlining their relationship," the heavily redacted particulars of which are available under the Freedom of Information Act and mention "threesomes with Monica and Hillary" and "alternative lifestyle options on an as-needed basis."

In 2000, Gore made another unsuccessful presidential run against George W. Bush, who characterized his opponent as "a loser." As it turns out, Gore wasn't just a loser; he was a sore loser, demanding a recount of the vote and threatening to sue unless the recount results favored him. (His supporters had left chads hanging on ballots they'd cast in Florida and other imaginary precincts, so they could claim that they'd intended to vote for Gore, not Bush.) A few weeks later, the Supreme Court ruled the recount unconstitutional, and Bush won the presidential election by default.

Gore spent the eight years of Bush's presidency (Bush was reelected in 2004) criticizing the president, ranting that Bush, a Texan, "is all belt and no cattle"; raving that Bush engineered the attack on New York City's World Trade Center so he could "talk tough to the A-rabs"; and insisting that Bush caused Hurricane Katrina so he could show how ineffective he and FEMA are at handling hurricanes. "He's a way bigger loser than I am," Gore whined.

However, Gore's tiresome tirades gained him little favor among Americans, many of whom had tired of his tirades. Consequently, he decided to rant about Global Warming and Climate Change instead of Bush and flew across the nation and around the world in private jets lecturing people on the need to conserve energy and decrease their "carbon footprints" by investing in the "green-energy technologies" in which he had himself made substantial personal investments.

A British judge determined that Gore's book, An Inconvenient Truth, is "so full of lies and errors that it's impossible to tell one from the other" and observed that schoolchildren in his nation had "refuted" many of the book's claims. Gore responded to the judge's criticism by announcing that the court's rulings favored his own views on the topics of Global Warming and Climate Change.

In 2010, Gore was "cleared" by the Church of Scientology of charges that he had sexually assaulted a "massage therapist" who came to his hotel room in Portland, Organ, to "rub me all over."

Gore said that the alleged assault couldn't have happened, because, at the time of the massage, he was having an out-of-body experience. Nevertheless, Gore characterized the experience as having had a "happy ending" and said, when asked whether he would ask for a massage from the same therapist again, "I would, if she would."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Al Gore

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