Posthoorn Interview no. 1: Brexit. Does Tom have to leave the EU?

Written by Marion Morris

Friday, 16 September 2016


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That's a question many friends of Tom have. Tom, from Scotland, has lived in The Netherlands since 1972 and has a Dutch wife. This same question was going around the editorial office of the world famous weekly newspaper The Posthoorn (chosen by 75% of their readers as their favorite alternative cat litter). They send their reporter to the local pub Tom frequents to hear if he thinks he will have to leave the EU. (The owner, PR, asked the reporter not to mention the name of his bar in the newspaper: "If it becomes known we still serve English customers, we could be in big trouble.")

The reporter found Tom with his friends in the KW, before him 4 large beers. On our question if he is an alcoholic like most Scottish people, Tom sadly shakes his head. "No, in Holland you can drink the whole day, so there is no necessity to drown 10 beers per hour and get mind numbing drunk in a few hours, it took me 20 years to get used to it." Why the four beers? "When I heard the UK voted to leave the EU and that same EU would 'punish" the English, it dawned on me it would not take long before they would send me back. So better getting used to drinking flat lukewarm beer. However, it takes forever to make Dutch beer flat, hence I ordered 4 non-rinsed beer glasses, filled them with beer and put them in the sun. Any minute now I should be able to drink the first one."

His wife, remarkable cheerful under the circumstances, waives her sixth glass of Calvados. "I could never do a "Nexit" I have my principles." But how would they stay in contact? "Tom is not very computer savvy and he is not really into social media, however he promised me he will do a six month course 'How to be a professional Skyper', that way we can still talk to each other every day. "
Tom reluctantly agreed to do the course; however pointing out 'Wee Fee' is hardly available in most parts of Scotland.

It is time for Tom to start his experiment, his beer looks likes cat's piss and the foam has completely disappeared. He lifts his beer (under the jealous eye of a passerby, English?) and takes a sip. "Not that bad really, it calls back memories. I think I could get used to it."

His friend DL sees the silver lining: "Tom gets a pension in the Netherlands, he gets more pounds for euros now, making it possible for him to modernize the garden shed his son makes available to Tom when he moves back to Scotland. If not updating the shed he could also save some money to move back to The Netherlands when the Scottish people again vote for independence and staying in the EU."

This reporter wishes Tom all the best.

24-6-2016 16.14 hrs.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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