We love our dogs so much that we love to see them in the news

Written by Samuel Vargo

Tuesday, 24 May 2016


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Dogs are in the news a lot. And they make quite a few weird news articles, too.

We love our canines. They're our best friends. Whether they're lap dogs or monstrosities, they're full of love and we can't live without these furry and friendly beasts.

Is it any wonder that so many news stories and TV snippets are made about our dogs? Whether it be Capt. Carney's new K-9 Unit Range Rover or some little lapdog that saved a 108-year-old widow from burning to death in a house fire by nipping at her toes all the way out the door, we just can't get enough news about our beta buddies.

And even the weird news is chock full of media reports about dogs. Within only the past half of a week, there have been some strange and wonderful stories published online about these prized pets of ours. Keep in mind that this smattering has been taken on a worldwide scale. And I'd like to share these little doggie-interest accounts with our The Spoof readers in The Spoof's World News.

* A German shepherd was rescued in Galt, Calif., after spending five weeks living on a median strip of a busy highway. "Calls were constantly pouring in from drivers who spotted the female dog hiding in the bushes on a median on Highway 99," reports News 96.5 WDBO . "The first call came in on April 10 when someone saw her fall or jump out of a pickup truck. Officer Siliva Coelho with the Galt Police Department says when they went to find the dog, she was nowhere to be found. 'She was a like a ghost dog,' said Coelho. Many witnesses say the dog may have stayed on the median so long because she was scared and waiting for her owner to come back for her. On Saturday, May 16, Coelho was finally able to spot the pooch and bring her to safety. She's now been named Freeway Frida, News 96.5 WDBO reports.

* In Boothbay Harbor, Maine, a lobsterman (a guy who catches lobsters for a living) had to think quick and use one of his lobster traps to fend off a vicious dog who was savagely attacking his pet golden retriever. The nasty ambush predator attacked Buddy, a 9-year-old member of the family of Brady and Cindy Pearce, reports the online news magazine Midcoast. Brady, a local lobsterman, was unloading traps in Barrett Park when he says a pit bull terrier that was running loose approached. "He just latched on him and I couldn't, I kicked him, punched him, everything and he wouldn't, he wouldn't let go," Brady Pearce said. So the wily trapper of shellfish fishes snagged a lobster trap and started hitting the nasty predator so Brady could break free. "Finally it broke him loose after (I hit him with the lobster trap) about 30 or 40 times. Buddy broke loose and he staggered off over that way and I grabbed my dog and threw him in the truck," Brady Pearce said in the Midcoast article. Bleeding badly, they rushed their injured pet to the emergency vet. "It broke out three of his teeth and it broke his palate and he had to have surgery as soon as he got to the emergency vet to stop the bleeding and to remove the teeth," Cindy Pearce said. The Pearces said in the online article that this is a popular park that families often come to. They say if Buddy hadn't been attacked, someone else could have been. And the police said the vicious attack dog was later found dead nearby.

* Being a dog just isn't a dog's life these days. About 10,000 people in the U.K. are dressing up like dogs and looking really weird and wild in doing so, reports The Daily Mail. The article also features the sad story of Tom, 32, a theatre technician from Tring, Hertforshire, who split up with his fiancee Rachel because of his yearning to dress up as a Dalmatian. If you click on the link, in the third photo down the page, you can see an astonished and horridly unhappy Rachel seated on a couch with Tom, looking exactly like a robust spotted pooch, who says, 'You disappear and start chasing puppy toys. You go so deep into the head space, you crave it and want it. It's just magic.' And poor Rachel complains: 'I didn't understand it. I didn't want to understand it.' But luckily, the estranged couple "remains friends," a sighing and crying Rachel opines to The Daily Mail

* One poor, bedraggled little pup tested positive for methamphetamine and heroin, after a drug arrest by police in Orange County, Calif., CNN reports. It's not funny at all, but quite sad. The little dog, obviously a lapdog of some variety, was discovered to be under the influence of narcotics after he was turned over to animal control specialists. And so this minuscule mongrel was "acting lethargic," the article reads. Tustin Police Lt. Robert Wright said the little pooch, named Bubba, had his urine tested and the results came back positive for meth and heroin. "This strikes me as pretty horrible. This is the first time we've ever heard of someone reporting that an animal has been tested as being under the influence," Wright told a CNN affiliate.

So there you have it. Some of the reports, like that of poor little Bubba and heartbroken Rachel, are very sad. Others, like the heroic lobsterman who saved his prized golden retriever, are quite inspiring. And the report of Freeway Frida, is clear evidence that there is a God. And that God is spelled "God", and not "Dog" spelled backwards. Check your local newspaper and TV news in the near future, you'll certainly see some canines splashed all over the media in your neck of the woods.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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