Written by Sheepface

Sunday, 18 October 2015

image for 6-year-old entrepreneur jailed for deaths stemming from "Puppy Chocolate Factory" business

BRUNSWICK, GA - When 6-year-old Jamie Applesmith opened her business "Puppy Chocolate Factory," the reaction was astonishing. More than a dozen of her closest family members and neighbors came knocking at her door to support her business, many of whom were even compelled to review her highly by writing statements like "You're so sweet and pretty," and "I don't think dogs are allowed to have chocolate, but I will happily pay for more human samples" on her arm cast.

"Everyone knew that her business wasn't healthy for the dogs, but what were we going to say to her?" said one customer. "It was just so inspiring to see such a young girl take on the responsibility of opening her own business, no matter how - I don't know how to say this - 'not smart' it was."

For only a dollar apiece, they found it hard to say no to her confections. In particular, her melted M&M/kibble treats seemed to disappear from her shelves as soon as she could make them. But while everyone was trying to come up with the sweetest way to tell her that chocolate is harmful to dogs, Applesmith was hatching something far more sinister. Something that resulted in the senseless dismemberment of nearly every dog in the neighborhood.

"We got it all wrong," said an anonymous grieving customer. "The whole time we thought she just didn't understand that dogs and chocolates don't mix. But when I came home to see my dear Boris' headless body crucified to the dog house, it finally dawned on me that she knew exactly what she was doing."

Boris was only the first of the discovered carcasses that were left in the wake of her rampage.

Business memos scribbled out in the margins of coloring books revealed that Applesmith was a covert operative of the anti-canine sleeper cell "Snuff Ruff." The business was only the first step in a systematic final solution that would eventually see every dog in the country falling ill to chocolate poisoning.

In a court statement, Applesmith confirmed theories of her involvement in the radical hate group while speaking in a surprisingly Russian sounding accent. "We had thought that the face of a cute little girl would have been enough to distract you from making sensible dietary decisions for your dogs. We had greatly underestimated you." She then began to slow clap the prosecution as a devilish smirk stretched across her unholy face. "It was clear that if you weren't going to play nice and roll over so we could usher in the extinction of caninekind, more - how you say - drastic measures would have to be taken."

Following an uninterrupted half hour of Applesmith's prosaic recounting of how dog's blood made the perfect fingerpaint, the jury unanimously found her guilty for being "too cute for her boots."

"You've got gumption, sweetie, I'll give you that!" remarked the foreman. "But you just look so ugly when you murder."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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