Jimmy Savile - Case Closed!

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 23 April 2015


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Buckingham Palace... Safe as Houses.

The Jimmy Savile Inquiry into paedophilia that has been ongoing since October 2012 has been officially closed.

Sir Winston Pike conducting the inquiry said that the case has been officially closed from lack of reliable evidence. "After due consultation with our Prime Minister and ministers from his cabinet and presenting them with the evidence gathered from many alleged victims over fanciful allegations we have come to the conclusion that any further investigation will serve no useful purpose."

Thus ends one of the most sensitive cases of its kind since the Profumo Scandal of 1961. In this case however national security was not at risk, only children... many of them.

Our reporter from our magazine "BEGUILED" interviewed Sir Reggie Mental of the Home Office, who is in charge of domestic scandals, to find out more out more about it. Pretending to be an aspiring employee sent from MI5 our reporter managed to solicit the following recorded response from a sceptical but incurably boastful Sir. Reginald.

"Well, my boy, I have no idea what interests you in this. Men behaving badly... goes on all the time. Worse in Europe by the way, Spent many years there as a diplomat. Ye gads! Much worse than here. The ordinary Sheeple, I regret to say, are unaware in their televisual, narcotic state that the rules they must obey under penalty of the common law simply do not apply to those who create and administer the law.

"If they were aware of this simple fact they would no longer be Sheeple. Hence, it is incumbent upon us here at the Home Office to ensure they never are made aware.

"Occasionally they get a peek of what is going on the back room and that is precisely why this office exists. Then it is over to us. So, we throw them a few scalps to appease their hunger for justice and all that tommyrot... scalps of popular folk heroes like that Australian fool Rolf Harris and the Pied Piper rock idol Gary Glitter, and lately, the suitably demented and ageing Lord Janner just to remind the Sheeple that all are 'equal' under the law; even if it is abundantly clear to even the most retarded monkey that nobody is equal under the law any more than they equal in a queue outside a bank manager's office; and so, no awkward questions will be asked. Myths old boy. Most essential.

"In schools, we call them history; but, it is all absolute twaddle I can assure you. Ironically, the judiciary itself harbours the worst sexual offenders; but we need not elaborate. Janner was picked because he is too old and sick to stand trial. Besides, like Harris he knows his oaths to the Brotherhood come first.

"Those who are hail enough to give court evidence know well enough that the Crown will protect them come what may; because, if it did not, then the Crown itself would be in jeopardy and one simply cannot allow that to happen, can one? Bad for business, old bean. Our image abroad is our brand and we cannot allow it to be tarnished, can we?

"Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori, say I. One must never lose sight of that; hence the importance of reinforcing Sheeple myths at each and every opportunity. To that end, we are preparing a media release to be published soon by our faithful Fleet Street editors which will say in many clever and diverse ways that it is "in the public's interest"... and that drivel... that the inquiry ceases forthwith. And that it is very much for their own physical welfare that this should be the case. Thus the Sheeple go back to work content in the belief that men like you and me are working selflessly around the clock to protect them from harm.

"We have already in place a few home grown experts to reinforce this intent by telling the Sheeple that... and I must pause here to laugh if you will forgive me... to tell the Sheeple that (laughing), since high profile figures have been targeted as suspects by Scotland Yard the number of rape and paedophile cases have quadrupled in a matter of months particularly in those many urban regions that are suffering the unavoidable hardships of austerity. The Sheeple will grow anxious, most frightfully and inevitably. Fear, my boy, works every time! We have used it for centuries from India to Northern Ireland. They never cop on do they? I hope you don't mind if I help myself to a Scotch.

"You will enjoy working here enormously. And what branch of MI5 did you say you worked in? I have a great many friends and cousins working there. And... forgive my absent mindedness... may I ask to which Lodge you intimated you belonged? That's a portrait of my great ancestor Lord Constantine Douglas Mackenzie of the Scottish Rite who virtually established the opium trade in the East Indies single handedly,... looking as if he were alive. A fine work. Painted by a pupil of Sir Joshua Reynolds. Wonderful use of blue don't you think? Maggie Thatcher wanted to buy it from me... but then Maggie thought she could buy everything. I visit his mansion often just outside Edinburgh whenever I call by to see our good friend Joanne Rowling. Wonderful man, Lord Constantine. Yes, now where were we?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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