London - Crown jewelers have welded night vision goggles to the Queen's tiara in case she flips out on Friday when the Big Light in the sky goes awol.
A powerful solar eclipse will see much of the United Kingdom blacked out in the morning in fulfillment of the 800 year-old Magna Carta curse.
This predicted that Queen Elizabeth would suddenly develop a passion for doing the breaststroke in the murky stagnant waters of Windsor Castle moat.
Starting at around breakfast the Sun in Pisces will be gradually eclipsed in a rare new moon conjunction just before the Spring Equinox.
The last time such an occurrence took place was in 2007 when Her Maj ended up being fished out of the Buckingham Palace bog garden.
After stumbling into some pernicious hog weed while out for a fag.
Palace physicians then decided to microchip the Sovereign with a GPS tracker that had been tested successfully on serial parole violators in the US State ot Idaho.
One small - and entirely unexpected - side effect of the high tech gizmo was to trigger bouts of non-specific narcolepsy - especially during periods of frenetic lunar activity associated with sleepwalking.
Prince Philip's astrologer remains in a coma and is unlikely to surface before the Winter Solstice.
Remain vigilant ahead of upcoming reports.