Galway, Eira - The head altar boy of the Romin Catlick church has written to Pope Francis complaining about blackmail and three spent condoms smeared with hysterical - uh, historical! - DNA.
Seamus McShergar, 69, sent a heartfelt plea to the Aregntinian pontiff begging for an advance on wages so he can sort things out 'man-to-man' with France's top ecclesiastical Man of Letters Cardinal Sin.
"Holy Father, for the sum of fifty thousand US dollars this matter can easily vanish into thin heir," McShergar wrote in his spindly copperplate.
"Plus, Reverend Mother from the Covent of the Immaculate Deception need never have to spread her legs again.
"Unless ordered to do so by the Lord."
The missing prophylactics were last seen - by French proctologists - in a decidedly awkward pontifical crevice during a routine colonic irrigation op.
Made from 100% ecclesiastical latex they bear the coat of arms of the Holy Pee.
Maligering retired Pope Joe Ratzinger is 104.