Pope Francis, it turns out, is slightly dyslexic. During a recent trip to an Australian Haberdashers, he was offered a new set of robes to be run up.
"He was very nice," said Dave Grave, owner of Grave Cloth in Perth. "Until I showed him a list of the materials that I was going to use."
Grave's list included a little bit of leather ("Important for men in the church to feel a bit of calf skin," said Dave), the softest cotton and satin to edge the robes.
It was the last material that had the Pontiff in a tizzy.
"The Pope shouted, 'Get thee behind me Satin!'" said Grave. "At first I thought he didn't like slippery, smooth materials. But I later learned that he is dyslexic."
However, with the Pope's word being gospel, this means that Satin is now the material of the Antichrist, and can no longer be used on any Catholic Robes, nor anywhere within the church.
"Additionally," intoned Bishop Sean Bishop, "the wearing of satin will result in instant excommunication, and the touching of Satin is considered one of the greatest evils, for it is the touching of the very Devil himself in material form."
"In some ways," said Dave Grave, "I'm quite pleased that Satan chose my shop to gain material form. And I suppose Satin is quite a good choice. I miss my Catholic customers of course, but who knew how many Satin worshippers there were out there. I'll be opening another shop in Alice Springs at this rate, mate!"