Canadian Government Message to U.S.: Yukon Could Be Your Crimea

Funny story written by Catchthisdrift

Thursday, 27 March 2014

image for Canadian Government Message to U.S.: Yukon Could Be Your Crimea
One of The Yukon's Many Trees

Ottawa (The Canadian Press) - Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that Canada is making The Yukon open for foreign occupation leading to, it is hoped, peaceful annexation. Political analysts believe the move is an effort by Harper to improve the perception of his environmental decisions and policies.

Harper has long-been criticized by environmentalists for his failure to support Canada's environment and natural resources. The criticism stems from the government's failure to adopt new environmental-friendly policies as well as its concerted efforts to strip the budget of Canada's existing Department of the Environment.

Speaking before the annual convention of "Conservative Canadians For Changes We Like", Harper said "this is a win-win situation for all of us. First, for the environmentalist who say I don't care about the environment, letting go of The Yukon means there is a huge area that I can no longer harm. I can't approve new pipelines, I'll have to drop my push for new Hummer dealerships, I won't go on my annual wolf hunting trip, I can drop my opposition to the Peel watershed case. The list goes on. To those who say Canada has not done enough to reap the benefits of our nonrenewable natural resources, letting go of The Yukon means we can put greater focus closer to home. We can level virgin forests for economic expansion, we can concentrate on paving over local parks, we can increase the levels of toxic chemicals local companies can dump into rivers. Local change. Local effects. Local growth. Isn't that what each of us wants? Change that benefits ourselves, as quickly as possible?"

Off the record, a Harper aid admitted that Harper viewed the United States as the obvious and first choice to annex The Yukon. The U.S. is the geographically closest foreign nation - the state of Alaska actually shares a border with The Yukon. When asked how such an annexation would affect the United States' ability to express opinions and act in situations like Russia's takeover of Crimea, the Harper aid replied "this doesn't have to be some big deal. We can just keep it amongst us - redraw the border of Alaska, push the line east a bit."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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